The Reminiscence of a Fraidy-Cat

My brain is an ocean of ideas (I would love to think), never has it been in a stagnant mode. Always reminding me of the good times, lost opportunities and a whole lot of imaginations. I would like to think of Love in four letters and nothing more. But having the knowledge and a heartbeat that has felt both the warmth of affection and the sting of a heartbreak. I therefore declare that I do believe in love and the good tidings and the pain that it can bring along.

My dearest friend, take this as an act of a fraidy-cat but of the greatest affection ever plead guilty.

Good morning world, I had an awesome night. A night made splendid by a thought of a friend whose reminiscence kept me warm in the obscurity of the night. Perhaps a confession from my heart of what could have been of you and me. Like in a blue-ray movie, I didn’t blink not to miss a scene.

On a roof top I stood but was not sure where I was. The night seemed foggy and I couldn’t see clearly which building I was on and my mind didn’t have memories of how I did get there. Just a sentiment that it was where I lived. I walked down the stairs and having a view of the inside edifice, it was different from the one that I resided in. Went back to the roof top and skipped to the next building since they all were of the same height. Went down the stairs as before and still it was a different structure. I therefore went back to the roof top but this time it was different. The fog was all gone and I could now see clearly under the brightness of the full moon. I had to skip three more buildings to get to the one that I resided in.

I lifted my head and there you stood dear friend. Just when I thought I was finally home, my journey had just began. There you stood in a chilly night wearing a rugged dirty dress with a cigarette on one hand. In a deep shadow of distress and discomfort, my heart recognized you and loved you just the way you were. You looked at me dear friend and in your eyes I got lost.

The dream took us to civilization, in an apartment that I assumed was your dwelling place. At least I felt like a visitor and you the host. This time you were prettier than a pair of white doves flying across a waterfall. Your eyes seemed so bright and your smile unexplainable. You wore a white night dress and seemingly nothing beneath it. The evening was all ours and this time we had each other. I held you in my arms and your warmth I could feel. A cozy sofa played us host and our entertainment was from each other with a wrestling match on television. Your bright sparking eyes, soft flesh and wet lips sanctified by the touch of your tongue was more than I could resist. A heartfelt kiss from mine truly held me convict on this love circuit.

I love you my darling or should I call you friend? We both knew this was factual and tonight we were taking no hostages.

Every touch, every kiss, bite will count. The night took us to the kitchen, perhaps the most suitable place for a fascinating charm. I took you by your perfectly fitting waist and sat you on the kitchen counter. Leaning your head on mine, you blushed a teasing kiss on my less deserving lips. Forever starts tonight, with a warm whisper you assured me. A pint-size bite to my ear, I could feel your fleshy breasts press against my hard beating heart. An astounding feeling I must confess. The only feeling that can clearly paint eternity in paradise.

Sensing every bit of your touch as your hand slowly proceeded downwards via my chest. The taste of your sweetish soft skin, the scent of you and a heavy breathing on me was more than my flesh could contain. Feeling your body on mine and the intense sounds of ecstasy gave us a perfect rhythm for this dance. For a moment, we held the right definition for the term ‘Love-birds’.

My feet were cold my love and I turned to pull the blanket but could not find it. I sat up on the bed and you were nowhere to be found.

This beautiful experience must have drained so much from me that I did not recall coming to the bedroom. The wind was freezing cold and I couldn’t find you nor even have a clue of where you were. I went to the Kitchen and you were nowhere to be found. As I wondered in the doom of a dark room, I opened a door and found me on the rooftop. Raising my head, I could see a shadow of a feminine fine figure disappearing in the foggy darkness. I presumed it was you darling but everything was happening so fast and I couldn’t catch up with you.

Sitting on my bed with my feet on a freezing floor and I thought of you my friend. What if this dream was a reality? I could feel love in its strongest manifestation in a dream. I knew that what I did feel for you was true love and never confessed it despite knowing that you did feel the same for me. Age was our barrier but it couldn’t stop this feeling from mine soul. The little moments we had by the dam, coffee plantation, the football thrill and your priceless tasty meals relived in my head. It still felt beautiful despite spending a couple of years building walls between ourselves. Your enjoyable conversations my friend, I could listen to you for eternity and still want to hear more.

All we have is a question of what if? What if I had kissed your soft lips and told you how my heart could only beat for you? What if you kissed me first? Maybe it will be a question never to be answered.

But one question still lingers on my mind, “If we met and I kissed, would you kiss me back?

What Does a Man Want in a Woman?

“Mwanamke ni tabia”, so I have heard. Sounds reasonable but why does a man cheat on a good woman? To answer this question, I believe that we need to define what we mean by a “good woman”. This is where we get the phase, “mwanamke ni tabia”, meaning that a good woman is one with a good character. I believe that there is much more. In the traditional Afrika, a bride was not married to the groom but to the groom’s family. She was responsible for taking care of the entire family alongside respecting those who held senior positions in the clan. A woman of good character was preferred for a bride. Enough about traditional Afrika, we are in the 21^st Century and so much has changed.

Westernization of the Afrikan community has brought its positives and also carried along its negatives. Love is considered to be a core factor in marriage and other things can follow. According to statistics, an alarming large number of married men and women are actively involved in adultery. The magic of love does not seem to stop this. So goes the lyrics,” how could an angel break my heart?” A learned professor argued that men cannot fully commit to one woman due to an extra hormone. He argued that it was a scientific fact but could not explain it. It appeared as a, submit with no questions kind of method that required one to believe without question. Therefore, I will ignore this scientific fact and go ahead to discuss this further. Maybe we got it all wrong and we need to go back to the drawing board and start asking relevant questions.

“What does a man want in a woman?” This to me is a question that should be in every lad’s mind who is considering marriage. As we look for a woman who meets our parent’s standards, we forget what we really want. Sex is a core factor when it comes to a man. It is a sad truth that men are sexual beings. I know of men who will choose big boobs over brains. So how do you commit to one woman since they are all lacking in one way or another?  The answer is between the lines.

Maybe the professor was right about men of the flesh not being able to commit to one woman. They all got that extra one hormone that doesn’t allow them to be content with what a single woman has to offer. These men keep turning their heads staring at a bigger butt and salivating at larger boobs. It’s all in the mind. Science has revealed that a man thinks about sex nearly 90% of his time. I am not saying that it is impossible to commit to one woman, all I am saying is that it takes more than an everyday man to be faithful.

Purpose is a key aspect in shaping character. As a Christian, I believe that transformation through the blood of Jesus Christ gives a Christian control over his flesh. The scripture quotes that the flesh is in a fight with the spirit. The flesh is worldly but the spirit is eternal. When one makes a decision to receive Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior, he puts things of the flesh to death and embraces a new spiritual nourishment. He is never the same again. Only such a man through studying the scripture, prayer, fasting and fellowship has strength to overcome the flesh. So what does a man look for in a woman? A good woman should be deep into Christ that you have to find Christ Jesus to discover her.

Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with the flesh as you might have though. A woman who loves the Lord has got the complete package for a man who loves Jesus Christ.

Until then, I remain yours truly

Dr. Kiptanui

What Do You Know About Sex?

When sex is brought into question, getting many advisers is an obvious result. Everyone thinks they know a little bit more than you. Even those that do not satisfy their partners’ sexually think that they have a thing or two that you can learn from them. So many guns to hunt a squirrel. Yes that is what it is “A squirrel” or even a mosquito. That’s perfect. Get rid of the mosquito or it will keep you up all night. This is a sad truth about men and I think that it’s time that someone paid attention and listened to the alarms made by women regarding their disappointing sex life. The saddening truth is that this sexually dissatisfied woman is dating one of the self-proclaimed “penetration expert”. It’s hard to believe that your screaming woman could be faking organisms just to keep your ego satisfied.

There are things that men find hard to accept or deal with. These are HIV status, infertility and worse of them all, doubting their ability to meet a woman’s sexual needs. This in particular is a very hard journey for a male to travel. It robs him of his masculinity and makes him bitter and angry at everything. This being said; means that ladies should take caution in how they reveal this to their partner (Maybe we can talk about it in another article just keep checking).

Sex has two sides perhaps three. The male side, the female side and the other side (that’s the common ground). Looking at sex in a man’s perspective, the requirement for a successful sexual intercourse is simple. There needs to be two consenting partners (man and woman) with their body parts responding accordingly. That is as far as it goes for guys. Looking at the ladies side, the man’s perspective applies but there is more.

Humans are different from most animals. Unlike animals, humans have sex for pleasure so does other few animals like dolphins and monkeys. This lays a ground to the question that everyone should be asking: What does it take for a woman to enjoy sex? Yes a ‘WOMAN’ not a ‘MAN’. Men can enjoy sex even in almost an impossible situation. What of a woman? What does it take? It all about women again. But this time, the question is not directed to the man. This is a question that women need to answer on individual level given that they are different (don’t know how different they really are).

When I was growing up, my brother would bump to me with a common phase, “There are two ways to please a woman!” I would reluctantly ask what they are and his response was always the same, “nobody knows them”. Ideas of pleasing a woman sexually are wild and could not be mastered by any man. Having the same conversation with different women, they all gave different answers on what takes them to the creamy land but they all share a common phrase, “Trust”. By trusting you; they mean feeling comfortable, free, secure and excited to do stuff around you. That’s why for once, we need a woman on a drivers sit. Each woman drives her own fantasy cab and lets the guy take her to the zone.

How does she get to trust you? What do you need to do to get her to feel secure and excited around you? The answer is simple. All you need to do is listen and participate. Connect psychologically with her and share her sentiments. Let her feel free to reveal to you some of her secret and pretend to care even if you don’t. Make up something a little nasty in the middle of her ‘little secrets’ and pretend it’s surreptitious. Something like; “I have never seen a nipple eye to eye”. It might not sound like a thing to you but she is going to make a world out of it. Be careful how you respond to questions that start with a caution (i.e. don’t get offended when I ask, Just curious, can I ask you a question?) These would determine your end of trial. Always play a victim and turn around and be a better man in your story. Don’t mind about how shallow your reasoning is, she is too emotional to notice. I once told a lady a story of how I climbed a passion fruit tree to retrieve a kite for a young girl and to this day she has never figured it out but has adoration of how caring I can be.

To cut a long story short, pleasing a woman has nothing to do with how good you think you are in bed. It’s everything about connecting on the same emotional platform and being excited about each other. She wants to thing that you are doing it for love and not because you are horny. It’s not a “shagg” its “making love”. Just give enough time to her emotions and body before you get your share. Also be keen as to not fall asleep immediately after. Watch her for a while and ask silly questions. Have some laugh before sleep and thank me later. And never think that you know it all. That same woman is a different woman every single sunrise. That’s the other side of a coin.

Until then, I remain yours truly,

Dr. Musoosi

Save The Boy Child

I tend to think that, ours was the last generation that raised real men. The state of Kwagamaya which is the hub that raises real men, has not disappointed. Simple lessons of leading from the front as a man cannot be taught solely by a woman. A male figure is vital in creating an atmosphere favourable for moulding a boy into a man. Unfortunately, a father figure is needed even in homes with male parents. All the concentration has been shifted to spoiling the girl  child in the name of loving our daughters. 

Education for a girl child was the most important thing while we were growing up and two decades down the line, a boy child has to raise himself. Slogans like ‘Educate a boy child and educate an individual or educate a girl child and educate a nation’ were heard everywhere. Almost given publication needed for a national agenda. It wasn’t that serious and parents still gave relevant attention to the boy child.  Boys grew up to become real men and took responsibility with a smile. The same applied to the girls who grew to become real women. Those women who were submissive and secluded their presence from drinking joints. Women who prayed for their families and religiously participated in church agendas. They understood their husbands pride and guarded his ego with their lives. This was a generation before the white man came to our homes with phrases like ‘what a man can do, a woman can do better’ and many other misleading catchphrases. Walking in a club in Nairobi today, it’s a confusing place to understand. Logic does not explain to understanding. Almost looks like a parents day but parent and child behaving like couples. 

Call me stone age but my idea of marriage (family) does not deviate from those given in the Good Book by the creator Himself. 

If I was a toddle in this era , I would opt live to die a virgin (Just discovered that virginity does not kill). But STDs will surely kill any soul whether deserving or not. As per the saying, “There is no Virgin in a maternity ward”. I guess its fate for the first timers same as the all timers. I do not agree with “Team Mafisi’s agenda and neither do I side with Team Sponsor”. In my world, we call the latter prostitution and the earlier fornication which ought to be against the law by all standards. I do not fancy the sight of a younger girl in company of an old, shameless, stone age, male prostitute who offers money for sex. Neither do I fancy the sight of a young, lazy man sleeping with his could have been mother or grandmothers classmate. Call them sponsors or Sugar mummies, it is an ugly affair and the concerned parties ought to be admitted into a mental institution. 

Nobody wants to marry a reformed prostitute who has been open to anyone with cash and wants a tumble. No one will keep such a woman for a wife. I will not introduce that kind of woman to my mother. 

As a matter of  fact, I will leave her at any opportunity I get and offer burnt sacrifice to my sleeping ancestors apologizing for ever getting involved with such a woman. 

Who taught women to smoke and drink like their father? If you fancy that kind of company, you should fancy a lifetime of solitude after your sponsor damps you for another younger damsel or even better he dies of old age. 

If you desire to one day settle in a good marriage, then you ought to understand that purity comes first. That of the body and mind. We all dream of steady, firm and warm breast. We want to fit into and not be told to go harder. No need of test driving if I know that am buying a new car. Might have some technicalities before it adopts to my mode of driving but that’s fine. I will not complain, I will gently take the challenge with a smile and I will own it. A woman who has kept herself pure and in prayer will surely not have a careless dude for a husband. She can be assured that the God of the Bible does not sleep. His judgment is just and his will is what is best for us. She who knows how to submit will surely know how to cook as cooking is a large part of submission.

I have no kind words for those that don’t have integrity. What is a broke young man doing in a night club? If not making money as a staff member, then he is scheduling himself for poverty. Alcohol should be sold to the elderly. Those that have inheritance to leave to their children and passed to the other generations. Who taught these girls how to tweak and fuck for pleasure. Who said learning to chock weasel (BJ) comes before house chores? These men will pay a harlot for these things to please the flesh and seek a good woman’s hand in marriage.

You can teach a dog not to eat raw meat and keep a brood of chicks or teach the chicken self-defense and lose them one by one. By bringing up a boy in the light of the Good Book, Teaching him to abide in the light is the only way. He will protect your daughters and govern them accordingly. Before formal education, girls ought to be introduced to informal education. Morality, purity , self control and self dignity is key in a woman. 

As sure as the sun rises from east and sets in the west, “You will never get Mangoes on a lemon tree.”

By Dr. Musoosi

MAN OF THE PEOPLE

I don’t know where you heard  this word but its not what you are thinking. Its becoming extremely hard for me and other good looking men of my standings to belong to one woman. Maybe it was easy for Adam for lack of options but Nairobi is just a part of hell. I resigned from Team Mafisi (Much respect) and thought that it marked the end of it all, little did i know that  it was but the beginning. I am writing this piece a very troubled and confused fella. A man trapped between this forbidden favorite desert and the main course in a situation where you can’t eat both. A quagmire of beautiful and wasteful women and a rock of a good wife. As a man raised from the states of Kwagamire, there is no question of what i am supposed to do but due to my Christian grounds, i am considering to do the  otherwise.

You see i have a number of Fisetts who have refused to approve of my retirement or rather quitting. One stated that she will not rest until she can attest to my wrath of fisism.

I know what is going through your mind as you read this confusing article. I guarantee that you will be a very disappointed person after you are done reading it. The recent past days have been a nightmare. I have been a loyal dog sworn to guard a delicious, mouth watering piece of bone. According to the rules, a lick is a bleach to the new rules that i have been sworn to protect. Pray for me for i am hastening in losing my cool. I have to with stand all these could have been prey who mock my newly found lifestyle. Recently i was put at crossroads when Joy stated that my colleague Walyahula was a man of action. The ‘kusema na kutenda’ things. As if that was not enough, she insulted my ego and called me a toothless dog that was only interested in sleeping and wagging my tail at a distance.

They are less deserving of a masterpiece like me. I keep telling myself as i dress up in front of this huge mirror in my dressing room.

If i am going to fall and be a Fisi, then it has to be for the most beautiful woman whose beauty and level of sexiness could seduce Museveni and Mugabe to quite presidency and quietly accept trial at the Hague.

I am thinking of Beyonce, Rihanna,  Alicia keys, Nikki bella all in one body with a dark skin tone. My thoughts tell me of my strength but deep inside i can testify of my weak flesh. I need the virgins to fast that my libido be controllable. I am considering a spoonful of paraffin in my food to help tame this man. I am seated in a matatu heading to work and i am starting to think that i boarded a wrong one. Am seated next to this woman who can’t read my no nonsense face and stop the drama. She has been wetting those hot, kissable lips and loudly chewing this seemingly extremely delicious chewing gum. She has her cleavage out and i could see right though her big boobs almost showing her nipples. I could feel her warm thighs touching mine as she is unrelentingly adjusting her sitting posture. I take a hard, deep swallow of my own Saliva and i can’t believe am fighting it ( the devil is a liar). I decide to taste the waters and move closely in a manner suggesting that am heading for the window. she leans backwards and i extend my both hands to open the window where i intentionally touch her big boobs. I decide not to open it and she seems to know what am doing.  She smiles and i smile back in a sheepish manner. ‘Nice boobs’ i decide to cast the first stone. ‘Thanks’ is a reply i get and the rest is history.

It 7:30pm and I’m holding my phone to make this one killer phone call for a happy ending. We have been flirting on text the entire day and she has been sending very suggestive multimedia that gives me a million ideas. “The breasts of a strange woman are warm and nipples soft on your lips. Her kiss can get you to will the earth to her and her arms will touch your soul. Her voice will tell you to kill yourself in the sexiest tone and you will smile and think its a good idea. She will lead you into destructive paths and you will helplessly be laid to waste.

” I remember all these words from my grandfather but i couldn’t heed the warning to keep away from this strange woman. My thoughts were fixed to her goodies and the stunts i was going to pull on her.

I had purchased a 300ml can of Redbull for extra energy in case i was going to need it. I am having a hard time letting this go. My heart is saying NO! but my body is saying YES!. I want to do it and I dial her number. With no objections i hit on the call icon and as i wait for the call to be forward, some foolish thief on a motorcycle grabs my phone and disappears in streets of Nairobi.Things were hitting up the Nduthi guy decided he will be sent by the devil, nkt!!

I am cursing the grounds and hating on everyone for no reason. I have been robbed and nothing can ever pay me back. If you ask me; it was going to be the night of my life and the devil sent his angels to steal it from me. So i decided to go looking for her on all social media and until i get what is rightfully mine, i will not rest. Some reality hit me and i discovered that i didn’t even know her name. I was darling her all way into the conversation. I got home still upset about the whole incident. Am watching family TV and there is this guy who is testifying and saying that when things worked against him, God was working through them to save him. This kicks mu butt back to my senses and am thinking how lucky I could have been. A million things could have gone wrong for me with this strange woman but someone was working for my well being.

Till then, I remain yours, Truly,

PHD, CCG, CCV, STP, GHC, ECCGH, Former Chairman of Team Fisi

Dr. Musoosi

Kihiki_Understanding

The kind of marriages we have here rarely start with “will you marry me?”

In the state of Kwagamaya, where real men are born and bred, we rarely experienced weddings. The past few years shocked everyone as we managed to have two weddings in four years. This went down in history books for the most weddings held in the Kwagamaya church in a decade. The kind of marriages we have here rarely start with “will you marry me?” The real men of Kwagamaya have mixed opinion on those spiritual girls. We have a belief that when women are done with men, they turn to the gods. We do not propose to our women for they propose marriage to us in different ways. Some of the common phases are as follows;

• Babe, I missed my period
• Babe am kinda pregnant
• Babe I think I am pregnant
• Nimeambiwa nirudi pahali nili lala (I was told to go back where I slept last night)
• Baridi nayo
• Nakam kuwatch soap yangu inaanzanga 9:50pm (Am coming to watch my favourite Soap opera that shows on Tv from 9:50pm)

These are like magical words that initiate a right of passage from being single to married. The real men from Kwagamaya are either afraid of the spiritual sisters or don’t know how to get into these girls agenda.

You might not be from Kwagamaya but truth be told; when you are done with team Mafisi, you want to settle with a Virgin Kihiki_Understanding  (Curses; you will marry a reformed hooker struggling to keep her Tertiary virginity. Amen). Now how do you get a nice spiritual sister to commit to you? Some guys will wait for five years to get to the promised land. These fellas will go on a terrible dry spell till they start thinking that being gay is a good idea or go back in their welcoming chips funga. Here is a secrete, you do not have to wait for that long. Now listen carefully. I am sure that you will find this manual meant for the Real men of Kwagamaya handy.

 These fellas will go on a terrible dry spell till they start thinking that being gay is a good idea or go back in their welcoming chips funga

Step one is to identify their greatest fear. Which is not to disappoint the gods, but the Pastor. These girls are normally so close to their Pastors depending on the respective positions that they hold in the ministry. The spiritual girls will always seek approval from their pastor; so as a holder of a Phd in fisism, you will want to use him to your advantage. If are lucky, the man of god in that church will be Dr. Kanyare (AKA Kanyosh). This project will take approximately three months. So we have three to twelve months to get this kihiki_understanding which is relatively quick compared to to Five years of patience and dry spells. This period of waiting shall be determined by how quickly you get to the man of god.

Step two is to attend a sermon and sit at the front row. When visitors are asked to introduce themselves, carry your balls and stand up. Greet everyone in the gathering (make sure you are standing where you can be seen by all those who care to look). After an introduction, Quote a powerful proverb and let the gathering clap as you retire to sit down. Whether your kihiki_understanding was looking or not, she surely saw it all. Keep a smile during the sermon and actively participate in clapping and any other thing that they will get you to do.
Step Three is simple. After the sermon, hang around the pastors office and wait for your kihiki_understanding. When you see her, signal to her in a polite way and she will definitely come to you. Make sure you have a nice breath as we are not responsible for a repulsive answer due to bad mouth smell or body odour. Use Nivea for men deodorant and perfume to keep you smelling fresh and Colgate to keep your mouth from bad breath. Chewing gum will  come in handy to keep your breath fresh ( will send the unilever guys an invoice for that advert). Now extended your hand for a hand shake and explain to her that you are interested in registering as a church member. Let her know that you are very excited on how lively the church is and how friendly the members are (this statement will force her to be nice and receptive to you). While registering, excite the Pastor by use of clever words with obviously hidden praise (direct praise may be taken as crafty and you may get someone appointed to establish your motives).
Step four is being a generous and happy giver. This is not the same as the meaning in the Good Book. You need to get praise from men and be used as a good example by the man of god. Whether he says it or not, it does not matter. He just have to think of you as a good example or a reference to others. Now after planting 310 seeds religiously on a weekly basis and asking the pastor to pray for you, your time for harvest is near. Keep a keen look on the pastor and ensure that you have his card figured out.

 that you have been praying and fasting for a bride and every time you have been seeing your kihiki_understanding in these vision

Havest time is our step 5. Let the pastor know in a manner that appears to be a secrete that you have been praying and fasting for a bride and every time you have been seeing your kihiki_understanding in these visions. Tell him that you are confused and you will need him to pray with you so that you don’t stray or misunderstand the vision. It will only be a matter of time and your pastor will start to tell you how he has seen visions that show him that your kihiki_understanding is the woman for you. As a good pastor,  he will introduce this idea of him seeing visions to her and that will be a golden ticket to the promised land.
Take your kihiki_understanding and start a new life. Don’t forget to Mpesa the master mind behind all this success…

Until then, I remain yours,

Dr. CCG, PHD, GHC, CCTV, CRE, LOL! MTV… THE ADVISOR

About Last Night

This guy appeared drunk but not very drunk maybe because he could recognize familiar faces or maybe I am just too good looking to forget. He dances his way to where I was dancing. I am not sure if it was really dancing but my drunkard self seemed to agree to it. If you have ever gotten yourself to drink more than you can handle, then you can side with me that alcohol does not aid clear sight. Something, luggage like, seems to be piling in my head. It keeps getting heavy each time and stressful to move around with. I continue dancing as impressively as could be judged by a jury of drunkards. He says hi and I reply, hi. He points at me and goes like, “St. Clement youth leader.” It is now clear that a drunkard man cannot pretend or keep a secret. My face must have betrayed me. That expression that screams aloud like,; “And who the hell are you? Introduce yourself, must have been written all over my face. And there went the weird introduction. At least we are both drunk and dancing in a club. I shrugged the idea away and continued to dance for a while now together as buddies. Strange enough I started having a weird feeling with a sense of guilt as to how I got this drunk in the first place.

Just like any other Saturday afternoon when you happen to be off duty (not an off day but a cooked sick off (Those in the service industry can relate)) and you happen not to have anything important to attend to. Perhaps the whole idea was to know how it feels like to wake up late on a weekend. Maybe to have a taste of what your future will be like when the government finally considers one of your endless job applications and give you a job in one of those ministries. So am in a track and wearing sandals heading to meet a friend who wanted to have a one on one conversation to deliberate on some issues. This means that I had no intent of going far from home; my mind was programmed to head back home immediately after our short meeting. Watching a series or a couple of movies is all I am thinking about. It’s been a hectic week and I deserve a rest.

Perhaps the whole idea was to know how it feels like to wake up late on a weekend. Maybe to have a taste of what your future will be like when the government finally considers one of your endless job applications and give you a job in one of those ministries

After the small meeting, I decide to continue with my well planned weekend and that meant heading to the nearest movie shop to check on the latest release this is when I bounced into Johnny. There is something about these guys named Johnny unlike the Johns. These Jonnies are always up to something. Something bad, always pushed to cause trouble. We do the usual hood ‘wagwan’ and he gives me a plan for the evening.

Here I am in a group of people that I do not know shouting and singing happy birthday. There is this lady who happens to be Johnny’s friend. She has been giving me many ideas. Ideas of things that I would love to do to her. Very bad things, those things that could make a female hyena blush. We eat this birthday cake that is full of sugary cream. I don’t like the taste but I am too drunk to figure that out. I take a lot of cream maybe because she was holding the plate. She looks at me each time I lick the cream on my fingers and gives me a billion dollar smile, that smile that speaks to you in Greek and tells you to do it one more time. Am taking pictures carelessly with my Galaxy J7 and showing of how super they look. I love the adoration that I am getting because of this phone. Some blonds are even mistaking it for a Galaxy S6 duos and am saying a silent amen in my heart. I decide to get her number in the name of forwarding the pictures to her via Whatsapp and I am successful.

She has been giving me many ideas. Ideas of things that I would love to do to her. Very bad things, those things that could make a female hyena blush

We eat a lot of chips mixed with fried meat. I continue with my photo thing socking my J7 into a mixture of Gin, bear and oily junk food. I still put it in my pocket and find nothing wrong doing it. I go dancing into the dancing floor where everybody feels like me. We stagger and knock our bodies while dancing. We don’t get violent, no!! We look at each other and smile, we understand. That is when I met this guy who reminds me that am a church youth leader and ruins my night. Someone holds my hand from behind and on turning, it was this beautiful stranger. She had decided to join me in the dancing floor. She turns and she directs my hands towards her waist. She rubs herself on me in all terrible dimensions possible. Moves that I had been seeing on Television and thought it was fiction were revealed to me to be true. This lady was doing every bit of it in its full glory on me and it really got me sweating. I had started to think about my faith in the creator and my current state. The water I preached and the bitter wine I was taking. I excused myself on claims that I was heading the urinal. I stood before that mirror for about 2minutes according to a drunkard time and I didn’t like the person standing on the other side of the mirror. I made up my mind that I was heading back home.

My watch was reading 2:43am and I was standing in front of my door trying to open it. After a fierce struggle, the battle was won and I was finally inside. My girl was really mad at me. She had informed me that she was coming and I had lied to her that would be there latest at 10:30pm. She had done the cooking and cleaning and had waited like forever. I could have called or sent a text to let her know that I would be late. Maybe she couldn’t be this mad at me. I moved slowly not to wake her up and decided that I was going to sleep at the edge of the bed unnoticed. She pretends she didn’t notice and am very proud of myself almost feeling like a genius.

I don’t like the taste of vomit in my mouth. I hate the whole process but here I am in the toilet doing what I hate. I have tried to sleep for barely 30minutes but my head could not let me. I wait longer in the toilet to finish the whole thing. I have a spinning head and more problems than a tailor putting threads through needles. I can’t think straight. I start feeling like I will not make it past the next day. Something tells me to write my will on paper in case I do not make it. I look around and the truth hits me. I don’t have much to will to anyone. This little could hardly give me a proper burial. I feel sorry for my poor soul and feel like crying but I hardly shade any tear. My eyes are really dry and not event a sign of wet eyes is available. I rinse my mouth with cold water and head back to bed to try and get some sleep.

Something tells me to write my will on paper in case I do not make it. I look around and the truth hits me. I don’t have much to will to anyone. This little could hardly give me a proper burial

I tried opening my eyes but these sun rays aren’t making it easy for me. It then hit me that I was supposed to report to work by 8:30am. I look at the clock and it’s like 7minutes to noon. My woman left in the morning, ain’t sure to work or church or where. I do not know where to start from. I have a terrible headache and a hungry stomach. My saliva tastes bitter I can’t stand this foully smell from my mouth. I enter the bathroom and turn on the shower. I allow cold water on me in an attempt to freshening up. I am afraid to look at my phone because I am convinced that I will find missed calls from my boss or supervisor. I start thinking of my problems and how I am going to go about them. I am bothered about 3 things. I cannot find a way to apologize to my creator and asking him for another chance in his kingdom. I have voices in my head telling me how I will burn in hell if I don’t get right with him. My job is at stake if my boss finds out the truth about the entire situation and my relationship with my wife to be is at crossroads. I would have called Johnny and asked him how I was to handle such a situation but I was sure he would get me into more trouble.

I have a pen and a note book in my hand trying to find ideas on how to escape this mess. I am thinking hard on a hungry stomach and an aching head when my phone plays a message tone. It could be my boss or my supervisor or ghosts from last night haunting me. I gather guts and decide to check the message, throwing all care to the wind. It’s from a strange number. I take a deep breath and tapped on open.

“Hello…”Hi it’s Jane. I really enjoyed spending some time with you yesterday at Regan’s birthday and was thinking if we could do it again tonight. Just you and I… a million kisses”

A Letter to the Future

Dear Future,

How are you doing? Hope you are fine because there are a lot of things that I would want to bring to your attention. I, in the present, I’m doing fine apart from some ups and downs in this life. Just experiencing some strong headaches brought about by these hangovers. You see yesterday I decided to go drinking even after the Pope just landed in my country. My girlfriend decided that we cannot jiggle a little bit because we are in the same country as His holiness and she has purposed to create a suitable environment for him. I then checked my phone to see if there was any of my FBs or Ex that could aid my libido but there was none available. Apparently I have not called some of them since the last time we jiggled, others were ‘Wateja’s’, while others were married or engaged to be married. As I was contemplating the 3^rd use of soap, James called and asked me to meet him at club Tribal. That is a non issue for now because I know you have great plans for me. I can picture the woman you hold to be my loyal wife and the mipango wakandos that await, Hehehe…

“My girlfriend decided that we cannot jiggle a little bit because we are in the same country as His holiness and she has purposed to create a suitable environment for him”

I think you already know me enough from the little introduction that we just had, though seems like I did all of it. As I earlier stated, I am fine in the present. Hope you hear the attitude in that statement and ask if am sure. You see, in my country, fine is a term we use to ask you to press harder for more details. As it is now clear to your Mr. Future (Hope you are a He, got no guts to deal with attitude), I am not fine. You see, I am a little worried or rather scared of what you hold. Mr. Future, I have had quite a past. One that I hope will never repeat itself in the future. I have had hard times that I had to endure and done things that am not proud of. In fact, nothing in my past relates to you. I haven’t actually done enough to prepare for you. I was lost in the YOLO movement that ensured we had a hand to mouth relationship with finances. But I now have a job that pays something at the end of the month though not as much as I would want. I recently opened a savings account that has guaranteed that I have to survive on ‘okay’ food and live an ‘okay’ life for now. I am planning to close that account as soon as possible. In fact, I started closing it the moment I figured what it meant to have a bright you. The suffering and the endurance was just beyond what I could hold. Don’t worry about your well being because I have a plan.

I recently opened a savings account that has guaranteed that I have to survive on ‘okay’ food and live an ‘okay’ life for now. I am planning to close that account as soon as possible. In fact, I started closing it the moment I figured what it meant to have a bright you.

The reason as to why I write is to prepare you early enough for the kind of life that I want. You see I am 28years old and I want to start living my future the moment I turn 30years. So precisely, you have 1 year 6 months 1 week and about 3 days to ensure that my plans work. If you ask why I did not write early enough, it’s because I got to know you existed just the other day. Hope you make it to pass and be the future that I want. Before I explain my plan to you, here are the things that I want you to offer; I want a new Maybach Exelero worth $8M that I will use to attend my executive meetings to run my empire (Did I just mention “Empire?”Ops! It was a slip of the tongue but seems like we cannot go back now). For a sport car, I will accept a Lamborghini Veneno worth $4.5M. I would not like to look monotonous so I will also want a Lykan Hypersport worth $3.4M. This I will use to attend bachelor parties and show off in town. I also want to own private ships and Jets. While at that, having my own Island would be ideal otherwise the equation would not balance. Forbes Magazine should be my new photo album as I will feature among the richest men in the world. I want to run an empire so big that its riches cannot be compared to any. I will do Champaign for breakfast and feed pizza to my pet.

I want a new Maybach Exelero worth $8M that I will use to attend my executive meetings to run my empire (Did I just mention “Empire?”Ops! It was a slip of the tongue but seems like we cannot go back now)

Being my future, I know that you are worried that I have not mentioned women in my list of wants. Just for the record, I am not gay and I hate everything about that idea. I love boobs. I love women but it’s not on my list because they coexist alongside money. Dear Future, There is this one woman that I want you to bring to me. Her name is Nikki Bella. She is a WWE athlete, one half of the Bella twins. She is the longest serving WWE Diva Champions in the history of sports entertainment. I have had a crash on her ever since day one. I love her body, her perfect curves and her muscles. She has done it all when it comes to fame. As you can see Mr. Future, I am a humble man and don’t need the whole world to be happy…Hehehe…..

Dear Future, There is this one woman that I want you to bring to me. Her name is Nikki Bella. She is a WWE athlete, one half of the Bella twins.

Now here is my plan Mr. Future. I need you to make opportunity and luck to owe you one. You have got to impress the forces of Nature and have them at your debt. Let them owe you one for the moment to come. Have you heard about betting? Do you know of those who made millions in a single bet? Are you familiar with the term ‘Poker’? If you are not, then it’s going to be a little tricky but not impossible. You see, I have a lot of hope and confidence in you Mr. Future. Just let them owe you and pull that one for me and I promise that we shall live happily ever After.

I love you dear Future. Got tears in my eyes for this beautiful moments to come.

Yours Sincerely,

Dr. Musoosi

Reason why I Love You

Why do you love me? How much do you love me? These will seem like two simple questions until they are directed to you by someone that you are trying to impress. Sounds like why should we hire you?, in a job interview. The answer has to impress the interviewer. This determines whether you get hired or not. Same scenario applies when your partner in the crime of love inquires this of you. Unlike in a job interview where your response need to be professional, here it should sound emotional. Am not asking you to fake emotions when responding to this answer, all am saying is you take time to think as to why you love your partner. This way, your answer, when asked, will definitely appear genuine with acceptable emotional levels. This is unlike an interview where your response should appear true and professional.

Men dodge this question each time they are asked. The dodging of the question might appear romantic to your partner but you cannot fool her every time. If no one has asked you why you love him/her then it’s just a matter of time so stop thinking you escaped it. Humans (Particularly the female) are emotional beings. You will discover that most of the things we do are emotionally connected as opposed to reason. Therefore, it is our sole duty to satisfy the emotional needs of those that we care about. Perhaps the reason as to why men lie. “Why do you love me?” hits like a stray bullet right through the heart when least expected. You compose yourself, slowly turn, look at her straight into the eyes, hold her hands tight and tell a lie.

A lie that is so sweet. One that thrills her body and makes her knees shiver. “I cannot find words in the English dictionary that can clearly explain why I love you. I love you for who you are, the whole of you is a perfectly an adorable scenery for me. I love you for you.” Sounds adorably beautiful. A magnificent line that could be said before taking to your knees to propose but not satisfying. While in a break of writing this article, I got into a lift with my darling and nearly got myself a divorce. We were only the two of us in a lift when I held her by the waist closer to me and asked her the, would be the most beautiful question (if well backed with details). “Do you know how much I love you?” To my surprise, she asks how much and I had to joke myself out of the getting serious situation. I hadn’t actually thought it through. That’s 1 for me.

“My dear, I felt so lonely when you went to visit your parents for the weekend. Those two days were like eternity in two complete phases. This got me thinking as to why I love you this much.” If she was listening, then she will inquire what your findings were and that’s when you let her know what she really means to you. It is wrong to cram from the same booklet when expressing yourself. This is simply because we live a different script. Your response should match the relationship that you have been having with your partner. It’s not all soap Opera for everyone. Even in difficult situations, there is always room for self expression and fixing the holes.

Ladies would love to hear what you truly feel. Knowing that she is your found rib and how she offers great company when you are together. Tell her how you appreciate her cooking and she will be forever feeding you. Let her feel appreciated and enjoy the little heaven you made in your home. But for now, let’s get thinking and get acceptably satisfactory answers to these questions
By Dr. Musoosi

Words of Doom

If you are thinking that my point of focus are the ‘S’ and ‘F’ words, then you ought to rethink. This however, does not cleanse these words of curses they carry. If you are not using the F and S words, you are using other words that you do not know of their meaning. Evolution is in evitable in this universe. I do not whatsoever subscribe to the physical evolution of humans having evolved from lizards. The basis of my stand is that there is nothing evolving to the higher, physical, better being. My line of evolution is in mind, perception and character. This being said, I shall concentrate on the evolution of language (English).

‘Aki ya Mungu (before God), God be my witness, I swear with my life, may lightening strike me if I am lying!! These are not mere words but outrageous cries against the well being of your soul. You are committing to something with a death penalty for not keeping the end of your bargain. I assume that the atheists don’t use such words since the free thinkers’ thing that there exists no God. For those who subscribe to the Christian way of life, here is what the Holy Bible says;

“You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name”. (Exodus 20:7) Other versions state; Do not use the Lord’s name in Vain….

You might think that by keeping a promise, ones guilt is uplifted. This depends with the nature of the circumstances that you are in. Only in situations where you need to uplift the Lords name, you may call on the Lords faithfulness. In this 21^st Century, words have lost their meaning. They are simply empty vessels used by those who find no purpose. One will complicate a simple situation that required a yes or no answer by beating around the bush. We feel insecure, tricked and about to be snared by those around us. This is simply because we are the cunning ones looking to play tricks. A righteous man is led by wisdom and keeps matters simple and on point. He understands that anything beyond a full-stop could be deceiving.

“34 But I tell you, Do not swear at all: either by heaven, for it is God’s throne; 35 or by the earth, for it is his footstool; or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King. 36 And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black. 37 Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one. (Matthew 5:34-37)

The need for swearing is a lie. This means that you are incapable of telling the truth and your words cannot be trusted. In the early age, A man found of telling lies, had to be placed under oath to tell the truth. Please note that one had to be forced to take an oath so as to tell the truth. In our day to day life, we hear people voluntarily swear even when it is unnecessary and we do not understand why things work against us?!

The Authors in the early age used some words to mean something that they no longer do. For instance, the term ‘Know’ this was used to refer to sexual status of a pair of different sexes. Example, I did not know my wife until the day of our wedding night. You might be thinking that language has truly evolved, but no, we have changed.

We find no purpose in life just like our parents didn’t. They missed the point when they started living a routine. Just like the clock. Ticks from 00:00hrs to 23:59hrs the same way it does day by day. Find Purpose when you still can and make a meaning out of life. Begin with the Gospel of Apostle John.

By Dr. Musoosi