MAN OF THE PEOPLE

I don’t know where you heard  this word but its not what you are thinking. Its becoming extremely hard for me and other good looking men of my standings to belong to one woman. Maybe it was easy for Adam for lack of options but Nairobi is just a part of hell. I resigned from Team Mafisi (Much respect) and thought that it marked the end of it all, little did i know that  it was but the beginning. I am writing this piece a very troubled and confused fella. A man trapped between this forbidden favorite desert and the main course in a situation where you can’t eat both. A quagmire of beautiful and wasteful women and a rock of a good wife. As a man raised from the states of Kwagamire, there is no question of what i am supposed to do but due to my Christian grounds, i am considering to do the  otherwise.

You see i have a number of Fisetts who have refused to approve of my retirement or rather quitting. One stated that she will not rest until she can attest to my wrath of fisism.

I know what is going through your mind as you read this confusing article. I guarantee that you will be a very disappointed person after you are done reading it. The recent past days have been a nightmare. I have been a loyal dog sworn to guard a delicious, mouth watering piece of bone. According to the rules, a lick is a bleach to the new rules that i have been sworn to protect. Pray for me for i am hastening in losing my cool. I have to with stand all these could have been prey who mock my newly found lifestyle. Recently i was put at crossroads when Joy stated that my colleague Walyahula was a man of action. The ‘kusema na kutenda’ things. As if that was not enough, she insulted my ego and called me a toothless dog that was only interested in sleeping and wagging my tail at a distance.

They are less deserving of a masterpiece like me. I keep telling myself as i dress up in front of this huge mirror in my dressing room.

If i am going to fall and be a Fisi, then it has to be for the most beautiful woman whose beauty and level of sexiness could seduce Museveni and Mugabe to quite presidency and quietly accept trial at the Hague.

I am thinking of Beyonce, Rihanna,  Alicia keys, Nikki bella all in one body with a dark skin tone. My thoughts tell me of my strength but deep inside i can testify of my weak flesh. I need the virgins to fast that my libido be controllable. I am considering a spoonful of paraffin in my food to help tame this man. I am seated in a matatu heading to work and i am starting to think that i boarded a wrong one. Am seated next to this woman who can’t read my no nonsense face and stop the drama. She has been wetting those hot, kissable lips and loudly chewing this seemingly extremely delicious chewing gum. She has her cleavage out and i could see right though her big boobs almost showing her nipples. I could feel her warm thighs touching mine as she is unrelentingly adjusting her sitting posture. I take a hard, deep swallow of my own Saliva and i can’t believe am fighting it ( the devil is a liar). I decide to taste the waters and move closely in a manner suggesting that am heading for the window. she leans backwards and i extend my both hands to open the window where i intentionally touch her big boobs. I decide not to open it and she seems to know what am doing.  She smiles and i smile back in a sheepish manner. ‘Nice boobs’ i decide to cast the first stone. ‘Thanks’ is a reply i get and the rest is history.

It 7:30pm and I’m holding my phone to make this one killer phone call for a happy ending. We have been flirting on text the entire day and she has been sending very suggestive multimedia that gives me a million ideas. “The breasts of a strange woman are warm and nipples soft on your lips. Her kiss can get you to will the earth to her and her arms will touch your soul. Her voice will tell you to kill yourself in the sexiest tone and you will smile and think its a good idea. She will lead you into destructive paths and you will helplessly be laid to waste.

” I remember all these words from my grandfather but i couldn’t heed the warning to keep away from this strange woman. My thoughts were fixed to her goodies and the stunts i was going to pull on her.

I had purchased a 300ml can of Redbull for extra energy in case i was going to need it. I am having a hard time letting this go. My heart is saying NO! but my body is saying YES!. I want to do it and I dial her number. With no objections i hit on the call icon and as i wait for the call to be forward, some foolish thief on a motorcycle grabs my phone and disappears in streets of Nairobi.Things were hitting up the Nduthi guy decided he will be sent by the devil, nkt!!

I am cursing the grounds and hating on everyone for no reason. I have been robbed and nothing can ever pay me back. If you ask me; it was going to be the night of my life and the devil sent his angels to steal it from me. So i decided to go looking for her on all social media and until i get what is rightfully mine, i will not rest. Some reality hit me and i discovered that i didn’t even know her name. I was darling her all way into the conversation. I got home still upset about the whole incident. Am watching family TV and there is this guy who is testifying and saying that when things worked against him, God was working through them to save him. This kicks mu butt back to my senses and am thinking how lucky I could have been. A million things could have gone wrong for me with this strange woman but someone was working for my well being.

Till then, I remain yours, Truly,

PHD, CCG, CCV, STP, GHC, ECCGH, Former Chairman of Team Fisi

Dr. Musoosi

Kihiki_Understanding

The kind of marriages we have here rarely start with “will you marry me?”

In the state of Kwagamaya, where real men are born and bred, we rarely experienced weddings. The past few years shocked everyone as we managed to have two weddings in four years. This went down in history books for the most weddings held in the Kwagamaya church in a decade. The kind of marriages we have here rarely start with “will you marry me?” The real men of Kwagamaya have mixed opinion on those spiritual girls. We have a belief that when women are done with men, they turn to the gods. We do not propose to our women for they propose marriage to us in different ways. Some of the common phases are as follows;

• Babe, I missed my period
• Babe am kinda pregnant
• Babe I think I am pregnant
• Nimeambiwa nirudi pahali nili lala (I was told to go back where I slept last night)
• Baridi nayo
• Nakam kuwatch soap yangu inaanzanga 9:50pm (Am coming to watch my favourite Soap opera that shows on Tv from 9:50pm)

These are like magical words that initiate a right of passage from being single to married. The real men from Kwagamaya are either afraid of the spiritual sisters or don’t know how to get into these girls agenda.

You might not be from Kwagamaya but truth be told; when you are done with team Mafisi, you want to settle with a Virgin Kihiki_Understanding  (Curses; you will marry a reformed hooker struggling to keep her Tertiary virginity. Amen). Now how do you get a nice spiritual sister to commit to you? Some guys will wait for five years to get to the promised land. These fellas will go on a terrible dry spell till they start thinking that being gay is a good idea or go back in their welcoming chips funga. Here is a secrete, you do not have to wait for that long. Now listen carefully. I am sure that you will find this manual meant for the Real men of Kwagamaya handy.

 These fellas will go on a terrible dry spell till they start thinking that being gay is a good idea or go back in their welcoming chips funga

Step one is to identify their greatest fear. Which is not to disappoint the gods, but the Pastor. These girls are normally so close to their Pastors depending on the respective positions that they hold in the ministry. The spiritual girls will always seek approval from their pastor; so as a holder of a Phd in fisism, you will want to use him to your advantage. If are lucky, the man of god in that church will be Dr. Kanyare (AKA Kanyosh). This project will take approximately three months. So we have three to twelve months to get this kihiki_understanding which is relatively quick compared to to Five years of patience and dry spells. This period of waiting shall be determined by how quickly you get to the man of god.

Step two is to attend a sermon and sit at the front row. When visitors are asked to introduce themselves, carry your balls and stand up. Greet everyone in the gathering (make sure you are standing where you can be seen by all those who care to look). After an introduction, Quote a powerful proverb and let the gathering clap as you retire to sit down. Whether your kihiki_understanding was looking or not, she surely saw it all. Keep a smile during the sermon and actively participate in clapping and any other thing that they will get you to do.
Step Three is simple. After the sermon, hang around the pastors office and wait for your kihiki_understanding. When you see her, signal to her in a polite way and she will definitely come to you. Make sure you have a nice breath as we are not responsible for a repulsive answer due to bad mouth smell or body odour. Use Nivea for men deodorant and perfume to keep you smelling fresh and Colgate to keep your mouth from bad breath. Chewing gum will  come in handy to keep your breath fresh ( will send the unilever guys an invoice for that advert). Now extended your hand for a hand shake and explain to her that you are interested in registering as a church member. Let her know that you are very excited on how lively the church is and how friendly the members are (this statement will force her to be nice and receptive to you). While registering, excite the Pastor by use of clever words with obviously hidden praise (direct praise may be taken as crafty and you may get someone appointed to establish your motives).
Step four is being a generous and happy giver. This is not the same as the meaning in the Good Book. You need to get praise from men and be used as a good example by the man of god. Whether he says it or not, it does not matter. He just have to think of you as a good example or a reference to others. Now after planting 310 seeds religiously on a weekly basis and asking the pastor to pray for you, your time for harvest is near. Keep a keen look on the pastor and ensure that you have his card figured out.

 that you have been praying and fasting for a bride and every time you have been seeing your kihiki_understanding in these vision

Havest time is our step 5. Let the pastor know in a manner that appears to be a secrete that you have been praying and fasting for a bride and every time you have been seeing your kihiki_understanding in these visions. Tell him that you are confused and you will need him to pray with you so that you don’t stray or misunderstand the vision. It will only be a matter of time and your pastor will start to tell you how he has seen visions that show him that your kihiki_understanding is the woman for you. As a good pastor,  he will introduce this idea of him seeing visions to her and that will be a golden ticket to the promised land.
Take your kihiki_understanding and start a new life. Don’t forget to Mpesa the master mind behind all this success…

Until then, I remain yours,

Dr. CCG, PHD, GHC, CCTV, CRE, LOL! MTV… THE ADVISOR

A Lie for a Better Relationship

They say that nothing good lasts forever. Unfortunately, no reason is given to this demoralizing fact. You are in a ditch Jack, climb the hell up! That seems to be the attitude. Amazing things or those that thrill our anxiety are either happening for the first time or hidden in something different. Love at first sight, sex in the shower, one night stand, peeing in the swimming pool, smoking Mariwana and so on are not exactly what they seem to be.

Humans find excitement in mysteries, fear and unpredictability. Trying something new is exciting because we have a vivid picture of the outcome. After doing something new, we somehow develop an urge of doing it over and over. The sad news is that, even after our brain has forgotten finding pleasure, we still think it’s enjoyable. This leads to addictions and loss of self control.

My solution to boredom and monotony especially in the bedroom would be to brainwash couples. This makes them think that they are doing something new with a different person each day. Not only would it strengthen families but also form a reputable community based on the empathy we show to strangers. Brainwashing individuals would rather be more taxing to the economy and thus we rule that out. What could bring the thrill and excitement back from what it has come to be? What can make us recall that feeling that we used to love?

I recommend a lie and a little unpredictability. These two things will magic up your broken home from dust to gold. Getting your partner excited and wondering what your next move might be is the trick. Have you ever wondered why the relationship between your man and soccer is forever? It’s because he doesn’t have powers to control the outcome of the match. All he does is hope that things are going to go by his side. He knows the rules of the game perfectly, but there is this blond making wrong decision that may rob his team of victory. The most interesting part is that there is nothing he can do about it. Being helpless and hoping that someone else promising to save you will comply is irresistible.
Doing something differently keeps the excitement. Learning how to do the same thing differently is what is difficult. Fear motivates a man. The woman’s work is to keep the man guessing. While doing this, it is important to know what is key in a good relationship.

The Poisoned Apple

The breasts of a strange woman are warm and soft. She has nipples, strong and refreshing on your lips. Her voice and sounds of ecstasy are a higher appeal to your libido. Below her abdomen are warm thighs. Warm thighs and soft skin are her proud possession. She whispers sweet words in your ear. There is a secret spell being uttered to your soul. She wants to take you from home to the wilderness. Her mission is to make you wonder and only she will rescue you, from your dreams and the desires of your libido.

My son, do not take that woman home. Never think of introducing her to your parents. All she can satisfy is the lust of your flesh. Your soul will thirst for water and she will give you beer. To quench your thirst, you shall have to buzz. Your heart will desire no more success. Her beauty will blind your eyes and fix your reason. Do not be deceived by her beauty, her words are sweet but meaningless. She will be your only friend and master. Her sweetness causes diabetes to your life.

I looked at the woman this old man was discouraging me to pursue. The more he spoke, the more my fire for this woman lit. I didn’t understand his logic. He was trying to ruin an ice cream by adding chocolate sprinkles on it. She was beautiful and had really soft skin. I wanted to feel those acquiescent nipples on my lips. If being with this woman would cost me my life, then it was worth it. She was like the scorching sun set. I could think of nothing less than to make her my woman. She had the body of a young gazelle. In the next few minutes, a black Range Rover sport with tinted windows pulled by her side and she entered in the back left. The woman of my dreams was gone and there was nothing that I could do about it.

I was in love, it was real and I could feel it right in my bones. This woman was a demon who used dark powers to cast a spell on my poor soul. I closed my eyes and got lost into the world of fantasy. She was my Delilah and I Samson, with a single kiss on my lips, I could tell her secrets of my strength. An eighth grade dropout, all she had was her body. No university degree, no diploma, no certificate. All she had was her body. The only way she knew how to make money was by lying on her back and watching him feast.

Thanks to the government who claim prostitution is illegal and actively participates in it. Thanks to the policeman who takes bribe and watch the hooker walk. Thanks to the rich guy who pays thousands to have sex. Thanks to the taxi driver who picks and drops her as a package. Thanks to the human rights for considering nudity a choice of dress. Thanks to her parents for not being there for her. Thanks to the headmaster who chased her out of school due to lack of school fees. They all are the reason I cannot be in a civil relationship with the woman I love, and most importantly; thank you for reading this and doing nothing about it.