The Reminiscence of a Fraidy-Cat

My brain is an ocean of ideas (I would love to think), never has it been in a stagnant mode. Always reminding me of the good times, lost opportunities and a whole lot of imaginations. I would like to think of Love in four letters and nothing more. But having the knowledge and a heartbeat that has felt both the warmth of affection and the sting of a heartbreak. I therefore declare that I do believe in love and the good tidings and the pain that it can bring along.

My dearest friend, take this as an act of a fraidy-cat but of the greatest affection ever plead guilty.

Good morning world, I had an awesome night. A night made splendid by a thought of a friend whose reminiscence kept me warm in the obscurity of the night. Perhaps a confession from my heart of what could have been of you and me. Like in a blue-ray movie, I didn’t blink not to miss a scene.

On a roof top I stood but was not sure where I was. The night seemed foggy and I couldn’t see clearly which building I was on and my mind didn’t have memories of how I did get there. Just a sentiment that it was where I lived. I walked down the stairs and having a view of the inside edifice, it was different from the one that I resided in. Went back to the roof top and skipped to the next building since they all were of the same height. Went down the stairs as before and still it was a different structure. I therefore went back to the roof top but this time it was different. The fog was all gone and I could now see clearly under the brightness of the full moon. I had to skip three more buildings to get to the one that I resided in.

I lifted my head and there you stood dear friend. Just when I thought I was finally home, my journey had just began. There you stood in a chilly night wearing a rugged dirty dress with a cigarette on one hand. In a deep shadow of distress and discomfort, my heart recognized you and loved you just the way you were. You looked at me dear friend and in your eyes I got lost.

The dream took us to civilization, in an apartment that I assumed was your dwelling place. At least I felt like a visitor and you the host. This time you were prettier than a pair of white doves flying across a waterfall. Your eyes seemed so bright and your smile unexplainable. You wore a white night dress and seemingly nothing beneath it. The evening was all ours and this time we had each other. I held you in my arms and your warmth I could feel. A cozy sofa played us host and our entertainment was from each other with a wrestling match on television. Your bright sparking eyes, soft flesh and wet lips sanctified by the touch of your tongue was more than I could resist. A heartfelt kiss from mine truly held me convict on this love circuit.

I love you my darling or should I call you friend? We both knew this was factual and tonight we were taking no hostages.

Every touch, every kiss, bite will count. The night took us to the kitchen, perhaps the most suitable place for a fascinating charm. I took you by your perfectly fitting waist and sat you on the kitchen counter. Leaning your head on mine, you blushed a teasing kiss on my less deserving lips. Forever starts tonight, with a warm whisper you assured me. A pint-size bite to my ear, I could feel your fleshy breasts press against my hard beating heart. An astounding feeling I must confess. The only feeling that can clearly paint eternity in paradise.

Sensing every bit of your touch as your hand slowly proceeded downwards via my chest. The taste of your sweetish soft skin, the scent of you and a heavy breathing on me was more than my flesh could contain. Feeling your body on mine and the intense sounds of ecstasy gave us a perfect rhythm for this dance. For a moment, we held the right definition for the term ‘Love-birds’.

My feet were cold my love and I turned to pull the blanket but could not find it. I sat up on the bed and you were nowhere to be found.

This beautiful experience must have drained so much from me that I did not recall coming to the bedroom. The wind was freezing cold and I couldn’t find you nor even have a clue of where you were. I went to the Kitchen and you were nowhere to be found. As I wondered in the doom of a dark room, I opened a door and found me on the rooftop. Raising my head, I could see a shadow of a feminine fine figure disappearing in the foggy darkness. I presumed it was you darling but everything was happening so fast and I couldn’t catch up with you.

Sitting on my bed with my feet on a freezing floor and I thought of you my friend. What if this dream was a reality? I could feel love in its strongest manifestation in a dream. I knew that what I did feel for you was true love and never confessed it despite knowing that you did feel the same for me. Age was our barrier but it couldn’t stop this feeling from mine soul. The little moments we had by the dam, coffee plantation, the football thrill and your priceless tasty meals relived in my head. It still felt beautiful despite spending a couple of years building walls between ourselves. Your enjoyable conversations my friend, I could listen to you for eternity and still want to hear more.

All we have is a question of what if? What if I had kissed your soft lips and told you how my heart could only beat for you? What if you kissed me first? Maybe it will be a question never to be answered.

But one question still lingers on my mind, “If we met and I kissed, would you kiss me back?

What Does a Man Want in a Woman?

“Mwanamke ni tabia”, so I have heard. Sounds reasonable but why does a man cheat on a good woman? To answer this question, I believe that we need to define what we mean by a “good woman”. This is where we get the phase, “mwanamke ni tabia”, meaning that a good woman is one with a good character. I believe that there is much more. In the traditional Afrika, a bride was not married to the groom but to the groom’s family. She was responsible for taking care of the entire family alongside respecting those who held senior positions in the clan. A woman of good character was preferred for a bride. Enough about traditional Afrika, we are in the 21^st Century and so much has changed.

Westernization of the Afrikan community has brought its positives and also carried along its negatives. Love is considered to be a core factor in marriage and other things can follow. According to statistics, an alarming large number of married men and women are actively involved in adultery. The magic of love does not seem to stop this. So goes the lyrics,” how could an angel break my heart?” A learned professor argued that men cannot fully commit to one woman due to an extra hormone. He argued that it was a scientific fact but could not explain it. It appeared as a, submit with no questions kind of method that required one to believe without question. Therefore, I will ignore this scientific fact and go ahead to discuss this further. Maybe we got it all wrong and we need to go back to the drawing board and start asking relevant questions.

“What does a man want in a woman?” This to me is a question that should be in every lad’s mind who is considering marriage. As we look for a woman who meets our parent’s standards, we forget what we really want. Sex is a core factor when it comes to a man. It is a sad truth that men are sexual beings. I know of men who will choose big boobs over brains. So how do you commit to one woman since they are all lacking in one way or another?  The answer is between the lines.

Maybe the professor was right about men of the flesh not being able to commit to one woman. They all got that extra one hormone that doesn’t allow them to be content with what a single woman has to offer. These men keep turning their heads staring at a bigger butt and salivating at larger boobs. It’s all in the mind. Science has revealed that a man thinks about sex nearly 90% of his time. I am not saying that it is impossible to commit to one woman, all I am saying is that it takes more than an everyday man to be faithful.

Purpose is a key aspect in shaping character. As a Christian, I believe that transformation through the blood of Jesus Christ gives a Christian control over his flesh. The scripture quotes that the flesh is in a fight with the spirit. The flesh is worldly but the spirit is eternal. When one makes a decision to receive Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior, he puts things of the flesh to death and embraces a new spiritual nourishment. He is never the same again. Only such a man through studying the scripture, prayer, fasting and fellowship has strength to overcome the flesh. So what does a man look for in a woman? A good woman should be deep into Christ that you have to find Christ Jesus to discover her.

Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with the flesh as you might have though. A woman who loves the Lord has got the complete package for a man who loves Jesus Christ.

Until then, I remain yours truly

Dr. Kiptanui

What Do You Know About Sex?

When sex is brought into question, getting many advisers is an obvious result. Everyone thinks they know a little bit more than you. Even those that do not satisfy their partners’ sexually think that they have a thing or two that you can learn from them. So many guns to hunt a squirrel. Yes that is what it is “A squirrel” or even a mosquito. That’s perfect. Get rid of the mosquito or it will keep you up all night. This is a sad truth about men and I think that it’s time that someone paid attention and listened to the alarms made by women regarding their disappointing sex life. The saddening truth is that this sexually dissatisfied woman is dating one of the self-proclaimed “penetration expert”. It’s hard to believe that your screaming woman could be faking organisms just to keep your ego satisfied.

There are things that men find hard to accept or deal with. These are HIV status, infertility and worse of them all, doubting their ability to meet a woman’s sexual needs. This in particular is a very hard journey for a male to travel. It robs him of his masculinity and makes him bitter and angry at everything. This being said; means that ladies should take caution in how they reveal this to their partner (Maybe we can talk about it in another article just keep checking).

Sex has two sides perhaps three. The male side, the female side and the other side (that’s the common ground). Looking at sex in a man’s perspective, the requirement for a successful sexual intercourse is simple. There needs to be two consenting partners (man and woman) with their body parts responding accordingly. That is as far as it goes for guys. Looking at the ladies side, the man’s perspective applies but there is more.

Humans are different from most animals. Unlike animals, humans have sex for pleasure so does other few animals like dolphins and monkeys. This lays a ground to the question that everyone should be asking: What does it take for a woman to enjoy sex? Yes a ‘WOMAN’ not a ‘MAN’. Men can enjoy sex even in almost an impossible situation. What of a woman? What does it take? It all about women again. But this time, the question is not directed to the man. This is a question that women need to answer on individual level given that they are different (don’t know how different they really are).

When I was growing up, my brother would bump to me with a common phase, “There are two ways to please a woman!” I would reluctantly ask what they are and his response was always the same, “nobody knows them”. Ideas of pleasing a woman sexually are wild and could not be mastered by any man. Having the same conversation with different women, they all gave different answers on what takes them to the creamy land but they all share a common phrase, “Trust”. By trusting you; they mean feeling comfortable, free, secure and excited to do stuff around you. That’s why for once, we need a woman on a drivers sit. Each woman drives her own fantasy cab and lets the guy take her to the zone.

How does she get to trust you? What do you need to do to get her to feel secure and excited around you? The answer is simple. All you need to do is listen and participate. Connect psychologically with her and share her sentiments. Let her feel free to reveal to you some of her secret and pretend to care even if you don’t. Make up something a little nasty in the middle of her ‘little secrets’ and pretend it’s surreptitious. Something like; “I have never seen a nipple eye to eye”. It might not sound like a thing to you but she is going to make a world out of it. Be careful how you respond to questions that start with a caution (i.e. don’t get offended when I ask, Just curious, can I ask you a question?) These would determine your end of trial. Always play a victim and turn around and be a better man in your story. Don’t mind about how shallow your reasoning is, she is too emotional to notice. I once told a lady a story of how I climbed a passion fruit tree to retrieve a kite for a young girl and to this day she has never figured it out but has adoration of how caring I can be.

To cut a long story short, pleasing a woman has nothing to do with how good you think you are in bed. It’s everything about connecting on the same emotional platform and being excited about each other. She wants to thing that you are doing it for love and not because you are horny. It’s not a “shagg” its “making love”. Just give enough time to her emotions and body before you get your share. Also be keen as to not fall asleep immediately after. Watch her for a while and ask silly questions. Have some laugh before sleep and thank me later. And never think that you know it all. That same woman is a different woman every single sunrise. That’s the other side of a coin.

Until then, I remain yours truly,

Dr. Musoosi

Save The Boy Child

I tend to think that, ours was the last generation that raised real men. The state of Kwagamaya which is the hub that raises real men, has not disappointed. Simple lessons of leading from the front as a man cannot be taught solely by a woman. A male figure is vital in creating an atmosphere favourable for moulding a boy into a man. Unfortunately, a father figure is needed even in homes with male parents. All the concentration has been shifted to spoiling the girl  child in the name of loving our daughters. 

Education for a girl child was the most important thing while we were growing up and two decades down the line, a boy child has to raise himself. Slogans like ‘Educate a boy child and educate an individual or educate a girl child and educate a nation’ were heard everywhere. Almost given publication needed for a national agenda. It wasn’t that serious and parents still gave relevant attention to the boy child.  Boys grew up to become real men and took responsibility with a smile. The same applied to the girls who grew to become real women. Those women who were submissive and secluded their presence from drinking joints. Women who prayed for their families and religiously participated in church agendas. They understood their husbands pride and guarded his ego with their lives. This was a generation before the white man came to our homes with phrases like ‘what a man can do, a woman can do better’ and many other misleading catchphrases. Walking in a club in Nairobi today, it’s a confusing place to understand. Logic does not explain to understanding. Almost looks like a parents day but parent and child behaving like couples. 

Call me stone age but my idea of marriage (family) does not deviate from those given in the Good Book by the creator Himself. 

If I was a toddle in this era , I would opt live to die a virgin (Just discovered that virginity does not kill). But STDs will surely kill any soul whether deserving or not. As per the saying, “There is no Virgin in a maternity ward”. I guess its fate for the first timers same as the all timers. I do not agree with “Team Mafisi’s agenda and neither do I side with Team Sponsor”. In my world, we call the latter prostitution and the earlier fornication which ought to be against the law by all standards. I do not fancy the sight of a younger girl in company of an old, shameless, stone age, male prostitute who offers money for sex. Neither do I fancy the sight of a young, lazy man sleeping with his could have been mother or grandmothers classmate. Call them sponsors or Sugar mummies, it is an ugly affair and the concerned parties ought to be admitted into a mental institution. 

Nobody wants to marry a reformed prostitute who has been open to anyone with cash and wants a tumble. No one will keep such a woman for a wife. I will not introduce that kind of woman to my mother. 

As a matter of  fact, I will leave her at any opportunity I get and offer burnt sacrifice to my sleeping ancestors apologizing for ever getting involved with such a woman. 

Who taught women to smoke and drink like their father? If you fancy that kind of company, you should fancy a lifetime of solitude after your sponsor damps you for another younger damsel or even better he dies of old age. 

If you desire to one day settle in a good marriage, then you ought to understand that purity comes first. That of the body and mind. We all dream of steady, firm and warm breast. We want to fit into and not be told to go harder. No need of test driving if I know that am buying a new car. Might have some technicalities before it adopts to my mode of driving but that’s fine. I will not complain, I will gently take the challenge with a smile and I will own it. A woman who has kept herself pure and in prayer will surely not have a careless dude for a husband. She can be assured that the God of the Bible does not sleep. His judgment is just and his will is what is best for us. She who knows how to submit will surely know how to cook as cooking is a large part of submission.

I have no kind words for those that don’t have integrity. What is a broke young man doing in a night club? If not making money as a staff member, then he is scheduling himself for poverty. Alcohol should be sold to the elderly. Those that have inheritance to leave to their children and passed to the other generations. Who taught these girls how to tweak and fuck for pleasure. Who said learning to chock weasel (BJ) comes before house chores? These men will pay a harlot for these things to please the flesh and seek a good woman’s hand in marriage.

You can teach a dog not to eat raw meat and keep a brood of chicks or teach the chicken self-defense and lose them one by one. By bringing up a boy in the light of the Good Book, Teaching him to abide in the light is the only way. He will protect your daughters and govern them accordingly. Before formal education, girls ought to be introduced to informal education. Morality, purity , self control and self dignity is key in a woman. 

As sure as the sun rises from east and sets in the west, “You will never get Mangoes on a lemon tree.”

By Dr. Musoosi

MAN OF THE PEOPLE

I don’t know where you heard  this word but its not what you are thinking. Its becoming extremely hard for me and other good looking men of my standings to belong to one woman. Maybe it was easy for Adam for lack of options but Nairobi is just a part of hell. I resigned from Team Mafisi (Much respect) and thought that it marked the end of it all, little did i know that  it was but the beginning. I am writing this piece a very troubled and confused fella. A man trapped between this forbidden favorite desert and the main course in a situation where you can’t eat both. A quagmire of beautiful and wasteful women and a rock of a good wife. As a man raised from the states of Kwagamire, there is no question of what i am supposed to do but due to my Christian grounds, i am considering to do the  otherwise.

You see i have a number of Fisetts who have refused to approve of my retirement or rather quitting. One stated that she will not rest until she can attest to my wrath of fisism.

I know what is going through your mind as you read this confusing article. I guarantee that you will be a very disappointed person after you are done reading it. The recent past days have been a nightmare. I have been a loyal dog sworn to guard a delicious, mouth watering piece of bone. According to the rules, a lick is a bleach to the new rules that i have been sworn to protect. Pray for me for i am hastening in losing my cool. I have to with stand all these could have been prey who mock my newly found lifestyle. Recently i was put at crossroads when Joy stated that my colleague Walyahula was a man of action. The ‘kusema na kutenda’ things. As if that was not enough, she insulted my ego and called me a toothless dog that was only interested in sleeping and wagging my tail at a distance.

They are less deserving of a masterpiece like me. I keep telling myself as i dress up in front of this huge mirror in my dressing room.

If i am going to fall and be a Fisi, then it has to be for the most beautiful woman whose beauty and level of sexiness could seduce Museveni and Mugabe to quite presidency and quietly accept trial at the Hague.

I am thinking of Beyonce, Rihanna,  Alicia keys, Nikki bella all in one body with a dark skin tone. My thoughts tell me of my strength but deep inside i can testify of my weak flesh. I need the virgins to fast that my libido be controllable. I am considering a spoonful of paraffin in my food to help tame this man. I am seated in a matatu heading to work and i am starting to think that i boarded a wrong one. Am seated next to this woman who can’t read my no nonsense face and stop the drama. She has been wetting those hot, kissable lips and loudly chewing this seemingly extremely delicious chewing gum. She has her cleavage out and i could see right though her big boobs almost showing her nipples. I could feel her warm thighs touching mine as she is unrelentingly adjusting her sitting posture. I take a hard, deep swallow of my own Saliva and i can’t believe am fighting it ( the devil is a liar). I decide to taste the waters and move closely in a manner suggesting that am heading for the window. she leans backwards and i extend my both hands to open the window where i intentionally touch her big boobs. I decide not to open it and she seems to know what am doing.  She smiles and i smile back in a sheepish manner. ‘Nice boobs’ i decide to cast the first stone. ‘Thanks’ is a reply i get and the rest is history.

It 7:30pm and I’m holding my phone to make this one killer phone call for a happy ending. We have been flirting on text the entire day and she has been sending very suggestive multimedia that gives me a million ideas. “The breasts of a strange woman are warm and nipples soft on your lips. Her kiss can get you to will the earth to her and her arms will touch your soul. Her voice will tell you to kill yourself in the sexiest tone and you will smile and think its a good idea. She will lead you into destructive paths and you will helplessly be laid to waste.

” I remember all these words from my grandfather but i couldn’t heed the warning to keep away from this strange woman. My thoughts were fixed to her goodies and the stunts i was going to pull on her.

I had purchased a 300ml can of Redbull for extra energy in case i was going to need it. I am having a hard time letting this go. My heart is saying NO! but my body is saying YES!. I want to do it and I dial her number. With no objections i hit on the call icon and as i wait for the call to be forward, some foolish thief on a motorcycle grabs my phone and disappears in streets of Nairobi.Things were hitting up the Nduthi guy decided he will be sent by the devil, nkt!!

I am cursing the grounds and hating on everyone for no reason. I have been robbed and nothing can ever pay me back. If you ask me; it was going to be the night of my life and the devil sent his angels to steal it from me. So i decided to go looking for her on all social media and until i get what is rightfully mine, i will not rest. Some reality hit me and i discovered that i didn’t even know her name. I was darling her all way into the conversation. I got home still upset about the whole incident. Am watching family TV and there is this guy who is testifying and saying that when things worked against him, God was working through them to save him. This kicks mu butt back to my senses and am thinking how lucky I could have been. A million things could have gone wrong for me with this strange woman but someone was working for my well being.

Till then, I remain yours, Truly,

PHD, CCG, CCV, STP, GHC, ECCGH, Former Chairman of Team Fisi

Dr. Musoosi

Kihiki_Understanding

The kind of marriages we have here rarely start with “will you marry me?”

In the state of Kwagamaya, where real men are born and bred, we rarely experienced weddings. The past few years shocked everyone as we managed to have two weddings in four years. This went down in history books for the most weddings held in the Kwagamaya church in a decade. The kind of marriages we have here rarely start with “will you marry me?” The real men of Kwagamaya have mixed opinion on those spiritual girls. We have a belief that when women are done with men, they turn to the gods. We do not propose to our women for they propose marriage to us in different ways. Some of the common phases are as follows;

• Babe, I missed my period
• Babe am kinda pregnant
• Babe I think I am pregnant
• Nimeambiwa nirudi pahali nili lala (I was told to go back where I slept last night)
• Baridi nayo
• Nakam kuwatch soap yangu inaanzanga 9:50pm (Am coming to watch my favourite Soap opera that shows on Tv from 9:50pm)

These are like magical words that initiate a right of passage from being single to married. The real men from Kwagamaya are either afraid of the spiritual sisters or don’t know how to get into these girls agenda.

You might not be from Kwagamaya but truth be told; when you are done with team Mafisi, you want to settle with a Virgin Kihiki_Understanding  (Curses; you will marry a reformed hooker struggling to keep her Tertiary virginity. Amen). Now how do you get a nice spiritual sister to commit to you? Some guys will wait for five years to get to the promised land. These fellas will go on a terrible dry spell till they start thinking that being gay is a good idea or go back in their welcoming chips funga. Here is a secrete, you do not have to wait for that long. Now listen carefully. I am sure that you will find this manual meant for the Real men of Kwagamaya handy.

 These fellas will go on a terrible dry spell till they start thinking that being gay is a good idea or go back in their welcoming chips funga

Step one is to identify their greatest fear. Which is not to disappoint the gods, but the Pastor. These girls are normally so close to their Pastors depending on the respective positions that they hold in the ministry. The spiritual girls will always seek approval from their pastor; so as a holder of a Phd in fisism, you will want to use him to your advantage. If are lucky, the man of god in that church will be Dr. Kanyare (AKA Kanyosh). This project will take approximately three months. So we have three to twelve months to get this kihiki_understanding which is relatively quick compared to to Five years of patience and dry spells. This period of waiting shall be determined by how quickly you get to the man of god.

Step two is to attend a sermon and sit at the front row. When visitors are asked to introduce themselves, carry your balls and stand up. Greet everyone in the gathering (make sure you are standing where you can be seen by all those who care to look). After an introduction, Quote a powerful proverb and let the gathering clap as you retire to sit down. Whether your kihiki_understanding was looking or not, she surely saw it all. Keep a smile during the sermon and actively participate in clapping and any other thing that they will get you to do.
Step Three is simple. After the sermon, hang around the pastors office and wait for your kihiki_understanding. When you see her, signal to her in a polite way and she will definitely come to you. Make sure you have a nice breath as we are not responsible for a repulsive answer due to bad mouth smell or body odour. Use Nivea for men deodorant and perfume to keep you smelling fresh and Colgate to keep your mouth from bad breath. Chewing gum will  come in handy to keep your breath fresh ( will send the unilever guys an invoice for that advert). Now extended your hand for a hand shake and explain to her that you are interested in registering as a church member. Let her know that you are very excited on how lively the church is and how friendly the members are (this statement will force her to be nice and receptive to you). While registering, excite the Pastor by use of clever words with obviously hidden praise (direct praise may be taken as crafty and you may get someone appointed to establish your motives).
Step four is being a generous and happy giver. This is not the same as the meaning in the Good Book. You need to get praise from men and be used as a good example by the man of god. Whether he says it or not, it does not matter. He just have to think of you as a good example or a reference to others. Now after planting 310 seeds religiously on a weekly basis and asking the pastor to pray for you, your time for harvest is near. Keep a keen look on the pastor and ensure that you have his card figured out.

 that you have been praying and fasting for a bride and every time you have been seeing your kihiki_understanding in these vision

Havest time is our step 5. Let the pastor know in a manner that appears to be a secrete that you have been praying and fasting for a bride and every time you have been seeing your kihiki_understanding in these visions. Tell him that you are confused and you will need him to pray with you so that you don’t stray or misunderstand the vision. It will only be a matter of time and your pastor will start to tell you how he has seen visions that show him that your kihiki_understanding is the woman for you. As a good pastor,  he will introduce this idea of him seeing visions to her and that will be a golden ticket to the promised land.
Take your kihiki_understanding and start a new life. Don’t forget to Mpesa the master mind behind all this success…

Until then, I remain yours,

Dr. CCG, PHD, GHC, CCTV, CRE, LOL! MTV… THE ADVISOR

A Letter to the Future

Dear Future,

How are you doing? Hope you are fine because there are a lot of things that I would want to bring to your attention. I, in the present, I’m doing fine apart from some ups and downs in this life. Just experiencing some strong headaches brought about by these hangovers. You see yesterday I decided to go drinking even after the Pope just landed in my country. My girlfriend decided that we cannot jiggle a little bit because we are in the same country as His holiness and she has purposed to create a suitable environment for him. I then checked my phone to see if there was any of my FBs or Ex that could aid my libido but there was none available. Apparently I have not called some of them since the last time we jiggled, others were ‘Wateja’s’, while others were married or engaged to be married. As I was contemplating the 3^rd use of soap, James called and asked me to meet him at club Tribal. That is a non issue for now because I know you have great plans for me. I can picture the woman you hold to be my loyal wife and the mipango wakandos that await, Hehehe…

“My girlfriend decided that we cannot jiggle a little bit because we are in the same country as His holiness and she has purposed to create a suitable environment for him”

I think you already know me enough from the little introduction that we just had, though seems like I did all of it. As I earlier stated, I am fine in the present. Hope you hear the attitude in that statement and ask if am sure. You see, in my country, fine is a term we use to ask you to press harder for more details. As it is now clear to your Mr. Future (Hope you are a He, got no guts to deal with attitude), I am not fine. You see, I am a little worried or rather scared of what you hold. Mr. Future, I have had quite a past. One that I hope will never repeat itself in the future. I have had hard times that I had to endure and done things that am not proud of. In fact, nothing in my past relates to you. I haven’t actually done enough to prepare for you. I was lost in the YOLO movement that ensured we had a hand to mouth relationship with finances. But I now have a job that pays something at the end of the month though not as much as I would want. I recently opened a savings account that has guaranteed that I have to survive on ‘okay’ food and live an ‘okay’ life for now. I am planning to close that account as soon as possible. In fact, I started closing it the moment I figured what it meant to have a bright you. The suffering and the endurance was just beyond what I could hold. Don’t worry about your well being because I have a plan.

I recently opened a savings account that has guaranteed that I have to survive on ‘okay’ food and live an ‘okay’ life for now. I am planning to close that account as soon as possible. In fact, I started closing it the moment I figured what it meant to have a bright you.

The reason as to why I write is to prepare you early enough for the kind of life that I want. You see I am 28years old and I want to start living my future the moment I turn 30years. So precisely, you have 1 year 6 months 1 week and about 3 days to ensure that my plans work. If you ask why I did not write early enough, it’s because I got to know you existed just the other day. Hope you make it to pass and be the future that I want. Before I explain my plan to you, here are the things that I want you to offer; I want a new Maybach Exelero worth $8M that I will use to attend my executive meetings to run my empire (Did I just mention “Empire?”Ops! It was a slip of the tongue but seems like we cannot go back now). For a sport car, I will accept a Lamborghini Veneno worth $4.5M. I would not like to look monotonous so I will also want a Lykan Hypersport worth $3.4M. This I will use to attend bachelor parties and show off in town. I also want to own private ships and Jets. While at that, having my own Island would be ideal otherwise the equation would not balance. Forbes Magazine should be my new photo album as I will feature among the richest men in the world. I want to run an empire so big that its riches cannot be compared to any. I will do Champaign for breakfast and feed pizza to my pet.

I want a new Maybach Exelero worth $8M that I will use to attend my executive meetings to run my empire (Did I just mention “Empire?”Ops! It was a slip of the tongue but seems like we cannot go back now)

Being my future, I know that you are worried that I have not mentioned women in my list of wants. Just for the record, I am not gay and I hate everything about that idea. I love boobs. I love women but it’s not on my list because they coexist alongside money. Dear Future, There is this one woman that I want you to bring to me. Her name is Nikki Bella. She is a WWE athlete, one half of the Bella twins. She is the longest serving WWE Diva Champions in the history of sports entertainment. I have had a crash on her ever since day one. I love her body, her perfect curves and her muscles. She has done it all when it comes to fame. As you can see Mr. Future, I am a humble man and don’t need the whole world to be happy…Hehehe…..

Dear Future, There is this one woman that I want you to bring to me. Her name is Nikki Bella. She is a WWE athlete, one half of the Bella twins.

Now here is my plan Mr. Future. I need you to make opportunity and luck to owe you one. You have got to impress the forces of Nature and have them at your debt. Let them owe you one for the moment to come. Have you heard about betting? Do you know of those who made millions in a single bet? Are you familiar with the term ‘Poker’? If you are not, then it’s going to be a little tricky but not impossible. You see, I have a lot of hope and confidence in you Mr. Future. Just let them owe you and pull that one for me and I promise that we shall live happily ever After.

I love you dear Future. Got tears in my eyes for this beautiful moments to come.

Yours Sincerely,

Dr. Musoosi

Reason why I Love You

Why do you love me? How much do you love me? These will seem like two simple questions until they are directed to you by someone that you are trying to impress. Sounds like why should we hire you?, in a job interview. The answer has to impress the interviewer. This determines whether you get hired or not. Same scenario applies when your partner in the crime of love inquires this of you. Unlike in a job interview where your response need to be professional, here it should sound emotional. Am not asking you to fake emotions when responding to this answer, all am saying is you take time to think as to why you love your partner. This way, your answer, when asked, will definitely appear genuine with acceptable emotional levels. This is unlike an interview where your response should appear true and professional.

Men dodge this question each time they are asked. The dodging of the question might appear romantic to your partner but you cannot fool her every time. If no one has asked you why you love him/her then it’s just a matter of time so stop thinking you escaped it. Humans (Particularly the female) are emotional beings. You will discover that most of the things we do are emotionally connected as opposed to reason. Therefore, it is our sole duty to satisfy the emotional needs of those that we care about. Perhaps the reason as to why men lie. “Why do you love me?” hits like a stray bullet right through the heart when least expected. You compose yourself, slowly turn, look at her straight into the eyes, hold her hands tight and tell a lie.

A lie that is so sweet. One that thrills her body and makes her knees shiver. “I cannot find words in the English dictionary that can clearly explain why I love you. I love you for who you are, the whole of you is a perfectly an adorable scenery for me. I love you for you.” Sounds adorably beautiful. A magnificent line that could be said before taking to your knees to propose but not satisfying. While in a break of writing this article, I got into a lift with my darling and nearly got myself a divorce. We were only the two of us in a lift when I held her by the waist closer to me and asked her the, would be the most beautiful question (if well backed with details). “Do you know how much I love you?” To my surprise, she asks how much and I had to joke myself out of the getting serious situation. I hadn’t actually thought it through. That’s 1 for me.

“My dear, I felt so lonely when you went to visit your parents for the weekend. Those two days were like eternity in two complete phases. This got me thinking as to why I love you this much.” If she was listening, then she will inquire what your findings were and that’s when you let her know what she really means to you. It is wrong to cram from the same booklet when expressing yourself. This is simply because we live a different script. Your response should match the relationship that you have been having with your partner. It’s not all soap Opera for everyone. Even in difficult situations, there is always room for self expression and fixing the holes.

Ladies would love to hear what you truly feel. Knowing that she is your found rib and how she offers great company when you are together. Tell her how you appreciate her cooking and she will be forever feeding you. Let her feel appreciated and enjoy the little heaven you made in your home. But for now, let’s get thinking and get acceptably satisfactory answers to these questions
By Dr. Musoosi

Curse of a Beautiful Woman

Her beauty is her major asset and yet her curse.She stares at the mirror with tears slowly filling her eyes. She wishes she could be dead but doesn’t have courage to do it. Something tells her it’s going to be alright. It fills her heart with hope, hope for a better day to come. This keeps her alive for one more day . All she has or achieved cannot be accredited to hard work. Even when she sweats, it’s a drip of honey. Tears keep her company in long showers. They are salty just like those of any other being. She lifts her head and faces directly at the shower. Perhaps it could drip salvation this one time. She lets it directly to her face, maybe the showers could wash away her memories. Bitter memories of guys who wanted to lay her to grant her success. She knew it was not the only way but she did it anyway. A fight against her horny seniors always got her losing almost everything. The guys who could help her had their sight narrowed to her pants. The women in charge dismissed her in the name of “her slutty” behavior. Their Jealousy ruin her life and so many others.

Two stripes appeared on the test Kit. She didn’t panic, no sign of the results could be read from her face. She remained calm and blank. “What are the results?” Inquired the medical personnel. “It reads positive.” She responded in a calm voice. She knew that she had the HIV virus and so was a large number of guys who slept with her to give what was rightly hers. It wasn’t going to kill her, that she was sure. Medical examinations had showed that she has closed cells and she only served as a carrier. The devils weapon of distraction. Her mother was dying and so was her father. Maybe the house girl had it too. Maybe the same courtesy was extended to the gardener or even the watchman. Maybe her two brothers and her sister were in the circle. Maybe, just maybe. If only her mother had listened! He was supposed to be her father. It hurts her too much and she hates men for that. Her mother warned her not to tell anyone on grounds of not tarnishing the family name. The same family was dead anyway. Maybe a few would remain if they kept their pants on.
He pins her hard on the bed as he concludes his intimate engagement. she doesn’t look at him. Her eyes are fixed on the mirror besides the bed. Plus one to her kills. One more she knows. She didn’t tell him to wear protection. It’s his life to save or to lose. His wife and concubines are welcome to join the circle. It doesn’t hunt her. He is paying for his sins with his blood. The remission of sin requires blood. This she learnt from her pastor. A man of god who is weak in flesh. He fell to the world just like other sinful men. She knows them by name and wrote them in a small book with a red hard cover. They were all victims of the flesh.
The waiter brings two more beers on her her table. She doesn’t recall asking for more and looks at the waiter curiously. He smiles and points at a guy seated at the far right corner who waves in acknowledgement. He is drinking a soda, neither does he look like a drinker. Maybe he gets ladies drunk and take them to bed to do his bidding. It doesn’t bother her, she has nothing to lose. He takes his glass and a half empty soda bottle and proceeds to join her. She looks at the bottle and occasionally looks side ways. He smiles and she takes very short intervals looking at him. Not that shy look from innocent ladies. Seems like she doesn’t want to remember his face so that it doesn’t hunt her when he is gone. “I am Rev. Geoffrey Mulyawita,” he breaks the silence while extending his hand to shake hers. She doesn’t say anything and leaves his hand hanging in the air. He draws back his hand and moves slightly to sit directly opposite to her. She lifts her head and notices the collar. Confusion fills her face and she seems lost. she doesn’t seem to find herself.
She had judged him wrongly. He wasn’t the type that wanted to take her to bed. This she was sure. She saw the concern on his face and something like a sword with two sharp edges cut through her heart. She started crying, not the tears of venges but those of remorse. he held her hand and stated that he was passing by and something that he cannot explain led him to take a soda in this particular pub. Now he understood why as she narrated her story. The two left the filthy pub that evening with the same goal in mind that is to give her a second chance in life.
As I tell this story, there is clearly one question in mind. Is it an everyday story to a listening ear or will it some how impact someone to make a change? I refuse to be a part of a cartel that ruins ones dreams for personal gains. I rest my case.

Woman by Means

There are two types of women in the universe. There are Pretty women and other women. These two groups of women wear make up for different reasons. A pretty woman wears it to enhance on her beauty. The other woman wears make up to confirm her gender to the public. To most women, beauty lies on the face outlook. This could be true to a handful number of men. Real beauty isn’t what a man sees with his eyes but feels with his body.

Men will claim they know what they want and deny it the next second with their actions. Every guy wants a lady about 5ft 6 inches tall, weighing 56 or less kg, a perfectly shaped face with well positioned ears, nose and eyes. Hips between Vera and Huda will be in order. Her eye lashes should be firmly erect and separated by thin margins. Ribbon red lips with pink chicks for him to adore. Her hands should be tender with thin moderately long fingers. Long, well polished, nails are a bonus so desired. She should be very good in bed, cook tasty food and ready to take good care of a man. That’s all a man seeks from a woman, very little. Fancy that if you can.

That kind of woman can only be found in a very closely articulated animation. In real life, you can only settle for less than your dreams. That is crap. No man dreams of a woman he wants to get married to. He only hopes that’s she will be worth the shit he is getting into. You know, the moods, nagging, watching her age when you are getting better with age, public opinion and so on. He only hopes that her thighs are warm and her lips wet. He dreams of strong nipples and perfect mourns of his name.

A man is naturally polygamous. His mind allows him to be that. He wants a woman he can bang, a woman he can show up with in the public and one that he can marry. His only wish is that these three women never meet. A man praying for a wife should be very careful not to mention his adulterous desires to the creator. If you can, don’t pray at all.

The reason why you are having trouble in your marriage is because you married the woman that you should be banging or showing up with in public. That is the beautiful woman. The other woman is the one you ought to have married. That is the woman who forgot about herself, and decided to raise a family for you. When the beautiful woman is busy on the mirror rectifying her imperfections and cursing the creator, she is in the kitchen brewing a cup of tea. She is the prettiest woman and needs no approval from the universe but you. The beautiful woman is busy confirming her gender. This woman’s beauty doesn’t last a nigh but the other woman is confident for beauty doesn’t fade. It’s from within and her mission is to make you the man you are destined to be. She is the pretty woman.