What Does a Man Want in a Woman?

“Mwanamke ni tabia”, so I have heard. Sounds reasonable but why does a man cheat on a good woman? To answer this question, I believe that we need to define what we mean by a “good woman”. This is where we get the phase, “mwanamke ni tabia”, meaning that a good woman is one with a good character. I believe that there is much more. In the traditional Afrika, a bride was not married to the groom but to the groom’s family. She was responsible for taking care of the entire family alongside respecting those who held senior positions in the clan. A woman of good character was preferred for a bride. Enough about traditional Afrika, we are in the 21^st Century and so much has changed.

Westernization of the Afrikan community has brought its positives and also carried along its negatives. Love is considered to be a core factor in marriage and other things can follow. According to statistics, an alarming large number of married men and women are actively involved in adultery. The magic of love does not seem to stop this. So goes the lyrics,” how could an angel break my heart?” A learned professor argued that men cannot fully commit to one woman due to an extra hormone. He argued that it was a scientific fact but could not explain it. It appeared as a, submit with no questions kind of method that required one to believe without question. Therefore, I will ignore this scientific fact and go ahead to discuss this further. Maybe we got it all wrong and we need to go back to the drawing board and start asking relevant questions.

“What does a man want in a woman?” This to me is a question that should be in every lad’s mind who is considering marriage. As we look for a woman who meets our parent’s standards, we forget what we really want. Sex is a core factor when it comes to a man. It is a sad truth that men are sexual beings. I know of men who will choose big boobs over brains. So how do you commit to one woman since they are all lacking in one way or another?  The answer is between the lines.

Maybe the professor was right about men of the flesh not being able to commit to one woman. They all got that extra one hormone that doesn’t allow them to be content with what a single woman has to offer. These men keep turning their heads staring at a bigger butt and salivating at larger boobs. It’s all in the mind. Science has revealed that a man thinks about sex nearly 90% of his time. I am not saying that it is impossible to commit to one woman, all I am saying is that it takes more than an everyday man to be faithful.

Purpose is a key aspect in shaping character. As a Christian, I believe that transformation through the blood of Jesus Christ gives a Christian control over his flesh. The scripture quotes that the flesh is in a fight with the spirit. The flesh is worldly but the spirit is eternal. When one makes a decision to receive Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior, he puts things of the flesh to death and embraces a new spiritual nourishment. He is never the same again. Only such a man through studying the scripture, prayer, fasting and fellowship has strength to overcome the flesh. So what does a man look for in a woman? A good woman should be deep into Christ that you have to find Christ Jesus to discover her.

Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with the flesh as you might have though. A woman who loves the Lord has got the complete package for a man who loves Jesus Christ.

Until then, I remain yours truly

Dr. Kiptanui

What Do You Know About Sex?

When sex is brought into question, getting many advisers is an obvious result. Everyone thinks they know a little bit more than you. Even those that do not satisfy their partners’ sexually think that they have a thing or two that you can learn from them. So many guns to hunt a squirrel. Yes that is what it is “A squirrel” or even a mosquito. That’s perfect. Get rid of the mosquito or it will keep you up all night. This is a sad truth about men and I think that it’s time that someone paid attention and listened to the alarms made by women regarding their disappointing sex life. The saddening truth is that this sexually dissatisfied woman is dating one of the self-proclaimed “penetration expert”. It’s hard to believe that your screaming woman could be faking organisms just to keep your ego satisfied.

There are things that men find hard to accept or deal with. These are HIV status, infertility and worse of them all, doubting their ability to meet a woman’s sexual needs. This in particular is a very hard journey for a male to travel. It robs him of his masculinity and makes him bitter and angry at everything. This being said; means that ladies should take caution in how they reveal this to their partner (Maybe we can talk about it in another article just keep checking).

Sex has two sides perhaps three. The male side, the female side and the other side (that’s the common ground). Looking at sex in a man’s perspective, the requirement for a successful sexual intercourse is simple. There needs to be two consenting partners (man and woman) with their body parts responding accordingly. That is as far as it goes for guys. Looking at the ladies side, the man’s perspective applies but there is more.

Humans are different from most animals. Unlike animals, humans have sex for pleasure so does other few animals like dolphins and monkeys. This lays a ground to the question that everyone should be asking: What does it take for a woman to enjoy sex? Yes a ‘WOMAN’ not a ‘MAN’. Men can enjoy sex even in almost an impossible situation. What of a woman? What does it take? It all about women again. But this time, the question is not directed to the man. This is a question that women need to answer on individual level given that they are different (don’t know how different they really are).

When I was growing up, my brother would bump to me with a common phase, “There are two ways to please a woman!” I would reluctantly ask what they are and his response was always the same, “nobody knows them”. Ideas of pleasing a woman sexually are wild and could not be mastered by any man. Having the same conversation with different women, they all gave different answers on what takes them to the creamy land but they all share a common phrase, “Trust”. By trusting you; they mean feeling comfortable, free, secure and excited to do stuff around you. That’s why for once, we need a woman on a drivers sit. Each woman drives her own fantasy cab and lets the guy take her to the zone.

How does she get to trust you? What do you need to do to get her to feel secure and excited around you? The answer is simple. All you need to do is listen and participate. Connect psychologically with her and share her sentiments. Let her feel free to reveal to you some of her secret and pretend to care even if you don’t. Make up something a little nasty in the middle of her ‘little secrets’ and pretend it’s surreptitious. Something like; “I have never seen a nipple eye to eye”. It might not sound like a thing to you but she is going to make a world out of it. Be careful how you respond to questions that start with a caution (i.e. don’t get offended when I ask, Just curious, can I ask you a question?) These would determine your end of trial. Always play a victim and turn around and be a better man in your story. Don’t mind about how shallow your reasoning is, she is too emotional to notice. I once told a lady a story of how I climbed a passion fruit tree to retrieve a kite for a young girl and to this day she has never figured it out but has adoration of how caring I can be.

To cut a long story short, pleasing a woman has nothing to do with how good you think you are in bed. It’s everything about connecting on the same emotional platform and being excited about each other. She wants to thing that you are doing it for love and not because you are horny. It’s not a “shagg” its “making love”. Just give enough time to her emotions and body before you get your share. Also be keen as to not fall asleep immediately after. Watch her for a while and ask silly questions. Have some laugh before sleep and thank me later. And never think that you know it all. That same woman is a different woman every single sunrise. That’s the other side of a coin.

Until then, I remain yours truly,

Dr. Musoosi

Save The Boy Child

I tend to think that, ours was the last generation that raised real men. The state of Kwagamaya which is the hub that raises real men, has not disappointed. Simple lessons of leading from the front as a man cannot be taught solely by a woman. A male figure is vital in creating an atmosphere favourable for moulding a boy into a man. Unfortunately, a father figure is needed even in homes with male parents. All the concentration has been shifted to spoiling the girl  child in the name of loving our daughters. 

Education for a girl child was the most important thing while we were growing up and two decades down the line, a boy child has to raise himself. Slogans like ‘Educate a boy child and educate an individual or educate a girl child and educate a nation’ were heard everywhere. Almost given publication needed for a national agenda. It wasn’t that serious and parents still gave relevant attention to the boy child.  Boys grew up to become real men and took responsibility with a smile. The same applied to the girls who grew to become real women. Those women who were submissive and secluded their presence from drinking joints. Women who prayed for their families and religiously participated in church agendas. They understood their husbands pride and guarded his ego with their lives. This was a generation before the white man came to our homes with phrases like ‘what a man can do, a woman can do better’ and many other misleading catchphrases. Walking in a club in Nairobi today, it’s a confusing place to understand. Logic does not explain to understanding. Almost looks like a parents day but parent and child behaving like couples. 

Call me stone age but my idea of marriage (family) does not deviate from those given in the Good Book by the creator Himself. 

If I was a toddle in this era , I would opt live to die a virgin (Just discovered that virginity does not kill). But STDs will surely kill any soul whether deserving or not. As per the saying, “There is no Virgin in a maternity ward”. I guess its fate for the first timers same as the all timers. I do not agree with “Team Mafisi’s agenda and neither do I side with Team Sponsor”. In my world, we call the latter prostitution and the earlier fornication which ought to be against the law by all standards. I do not fancy the sight of a younger girl in company of an old, shameless, stone age, male prostitute who offers money for sex. Neither do I fancy the sight of a young, lazy man sleeping with his could have been mother or grandmothers classmate. Call them sponsors or Sugar mummies, it is an ugly affair and the concerned parties ought to be admitted into a mental institution. 

Nobody wants to marry a reformed prostitute who has been open to anyone with cash and wants a tumble. No one will keep such a woman for a wife. I will not introduce that kind of woman to my mother. 

As a matter of  fact, I will leave her at any opportunity I get and offer burnt sacrifice to my sleeping ancestors apologizing for ever getting involved with such a woman. 

Who taught women to smoke and drink like their father? If you fancy that kind of company, you should fancy a lifetime of solitude after your sponsor damps you for another younger damsel or even better he dies of old age. 

If you desire to one day settle in a good marriage, then you ought to understand that purity comes first. That of the body and mind. We all dream of steady, firm and warm breast. We want to fit into and not be told to go harder. No need of test driving if I know that am buying a new car. Might have some technicalities before it adopts to my mode of driving but that’s fine. I will not complain, I will gently take the challenge with a smile and I will own it. A woman who has kept herself pure and in prayer will surely not have a careless dude for a husband. She can be assured that the God of the Bible does not sleep. His judgment is just and his will is what is best for us. She who knows how to submit will surely know how to cook as cooking is a large part of submission.

I have no kind words for those that don’t have integrity. What is a broke young man doing in a night club? If not making money as a staff member, then he is scheduling himself for poverty. Alcohol should be sold to the elderly. Those that have inheritance to leave to their children and passed to the other generations. Who taught these girls how to tweak and fuck for pleasure. Who said learning to chock weasel (BJ) comes before house chores? These men will pay a harlot for these things to please the flesh and seek a good woman’s hand in marriage.

You can teach a dog not to eat raw meat and keep a brood of chicks or teach the chicken self-defense and lose them one by one. By bringing up a boy in the light of the Good Book, Teaching him to abide in the light is the only way. He will protect your daughters and govern them accordingly. Before formal education, girls ought to be introduced to informal education. Morality, purity , self control and self dignity is key in a woman. 

As sure as the sun rises from east and sets in the west, “You will never get Mangoes on a lemon tree.”

By Dr. Musoosi

MAN OF THE PEOPLE

I don’t know where you heard  this word but its not what you are thinking. Its becoming extremely hard for me and other good looking men of my standings to belong to one woman. Maybe it was easy for Adam for lack of options but Nairobi is just a part of hell. I resigned from Team Mafisi (Much respect) and thought that it marked the end of it all, little did i know that  it was but the beginning. I am writing this piece a very troubled and confused fella. A man trapped between this forbidden favorite desert and the main course in a situation where you can’t eat both. A quagmire of beautiful and wasteful women and a rock of a good wife. As a man raised from the states of Kwagamire, there is no question of what i am supposed to do but due to my Christian grounds, i am considering to do the  otherwise.

You see i have a number of Fisetts who have refused to approve of my retirement or rather quitting. One stated that she will not rest until she can attest to my wrath of fisism.

I know what is going through your mind as you read this confusing article. I guarantee that you will be a very disappointed person after you are done reading it. The recent past days have been a nightmare. I have been a loyal dog sworn to guard a delicious, mouth watering piece of bone. According to the rules, a lick is a bleach to the new rules that i have been sworn to protect. Pray for me for i am hastening in losing my cool. I have to with stand all these could have been prey who mock my newly found lifestyle. Recently i was put at crossroads when Joy stated that my colleague Walyahula was a man of action. The ‘kusema na kutenda’ things. As if that was not enough, she insulted my ego and called me a toothless dog that was only interested in sleeping and wagging my tail at a distance.

They are less deserving of a masterpiece like me. I keep telling myself as i dress up in front of this huge mirror in my dressing room.

If i am going to fall and be a Fisi, then it has to be for the most beautiful woman whose beauty and level of sexiness could seduce Museveni and Mugabe to quite presidency and quietly accept trial at the Hague.

I am thinking of Beyonce, Rihanna,  Alicia keys, Nikki bella all in one body with a dark skin tone. My thoughts tell me of my strength but deep inside i can testify of my weak flesh. I need the virgins to fast that my libido be controllable. I am considering a spoonful of paraffin in my food to help tame this man. I am seated in a matatu heading to work and i am starting to think that i boarded a wrong one. Am seated next to this woman who can’t read my no nonsense face and stop the drama. She has been wetting those hot, kissable lips and loudly chewing this seemingly extremely delicious chewing gum. She has her cleavage out and i could see right though her big boobs almost showing her nipples. I could feel her warm thighs touching mine as she is unrelentingly adjusting her sitting posture. I take a hard, deep swallow of my own Saliva and i can’t believe am fighting it ( the devil is a liar). I decide to taste the waters and move closely in a manner suggesting that am heading for the window. she leans backwards and i extend my both hands to open the window where i intentionally touch her big boobs. I decide not to open it and she seems to know what am doing.  She smiles and i smile back in a sheepish manner. ‘Nice boobs’ i decide to cast the first stone. ‘Thanks’ is a reply i get and the rest is history.

It 7:30pm and I’m holding my phone to make this one killer phone call for a happy ending. We have been flirting on text the entire day and she has been sending very suggestive multimedia that gives me a million ideas. “The breasts of a strange woman are warm and nipples soft on your lips. Her kiss can get you to will the earth to her and her arms will touch your soul. Her voice will tell you to kill yourself in the sexiest tone and you will smile and think its a good idea. She will lead you into destructive paths and you will helplessly be laid to waste.

” I remember all these words from my grandfather but i couldn’t heed the warning to keep away from this strange woman. My thoughts were fixed to her goodies and the stunts i was going to pull on her.

I had purchased a 300ml can of Redbull for extra energy in case i was going to need it. I am having a hard time letting this go. My heart is saying NO! but my body is saying YES!. I want to do it and I dial her number. With no objections i hit on the call icon and as i wait for the call to be forward, some foolish thief on a motorcycle grabs my phone and disappears in streets of Nairobi.Things were hitting up the Nduthi guy decided he will be sent by the devil, nkt!!

I am cursing the grounds and hating on everyone for no reason. I have been robbed and nothing can ever pay me back. If you ask me; it was going to be the night of my life and the devil sent his angels to steal it from me. So i decided to go looking for her on all social media and until i get what is rightfully mine, i will not rest. Some reality hit me and i discovered that i didn’t even know her name. I was darling her all way into the conversation. I got home still upset about the whole incident. Am watching family TV and there is this guy who is testifying and saying that when things worked against him, God was working through them to save him. This kicks mu butt back to my senses and am thinking how lucky I could have been. A million things could have gone wrong for me with this strange woman but someone was working for my well being.

Till then, I remain yours, Truly,

PHD, CCG, CCV, STP, GHC, ECCGH, Former Chairman of Team Fisi

Dr. Musoosi

Kihiki_Understanding

The kind of marriages we have here rarely start with “will you marry me?”

In the state of Kwagamaya, where real men are born and bred, we rarely experienced weddings. The past few years shocked everyone as we managed to have two weddings in four years. This went down in history books for the most weddings held in the Kwagamaya church in a decade. The kind of marriages we have here rarely start with “will you marry me?” The real men of Kwagamaya have mixed opinion on those spiritual girls. We have a belief that when women are done with men, they turn to the gods. We do not propose to our women for they propose marriage to us in different ways. Some of the common phases are as follows;

• Babe, I missed my period
• Babe am kinda pregnant
• Babe I think I am pregnant
• Nimeambiwa nirudi pahali nili lala (I was told to go back where I slept last night)
• Baridi nayo
• Nakam kuwatch soap yangu inaanzanga 9:50pm (Am coming to watch my favourite Soap opera that shows on Tv from 9:50pm)

These are like magical words that initiate a right of passage from being single to married. The real men from Kwagamaya are either afraid of the spiritual sisters or don’t know how to get into these girls agenda.

You might not be from Kwagamaya but truth be told; when you are done with team Mafisi, you want to settle with a Virgin Kihiki_Understanding  (Curses; you will marry a reformed hooker struggling to keep her Tertiary virginity. Amen). Now how do you get a nice spiritual sister to commit to you? Some guys will wait for five years to get to the promised land. These fellas will go on a terrible dry spell till they start thinking that being gay is a good idea or go back in their welcoming chips funga. Here is a secrete, you do not have to wait for that long. Now listen carefully. I am sure that you will find this manual meant for the Real men of Kwagamaya handy.

 These fellas will go on a terrible dry spell till they start thinking that being gay is a good idea or go back in their welcoming chips funga

Step one is to identify their greatest fear. Which is not to disappoint the gods, but the Pastor. These girls are normally so close to their Pastors depending on the respective positions that they hold in the ministry. The spiritual girls will always seek approval from their pastor; so as a holder of a Phd in fisism, you will want to use him to your advantage. If are lucky, the man of god in that church will be Dr. Kanyare (AKA Kanyosh). This project will take approximately three months. So we have three to twelve months to get this kihiki_understanding which is relatively quick compared to to Five years of patience and dry spells. This period of waiting shall be determined by how quickly you get to the man of god.

Step two is to attend a sermon and sit at the front row. When visitors are asked to introduce themselves, carry your balls and stand up. Greet everyone in the gathering (make sure you are standing where you can be seen by all those who care to look). After an introduction, Quote a powerful proverb and let the gathering clap as you retire to sit down. Whether your kihiki_understanding was looking or not, she surely saw it all. Keep a smile during the sermon and actively participate in clapping and any other thing that they will get you to do.
Step Three is simple. After the sermon, hang around the pastors office and wait for your kihiki_understanding. When you see her, signal to her in a polite way and she will definitely come to you. Make sure you have a nice breath as we are not responsible for a repulsive answer due to bad mouth smell or body odour. Use Nivea for men deodorant and perfume to keep you smelling fresh and Colgate to keep your mouth from bad breath. Chewing gum will  come in handy to keep your breath fresh ( will send the unilever guys an invoice for that advert). Now extended your hand for a hand shake and explain to her that you are interested in registering as a church member. Let her know that you are very excited on how lively the church is and how friendly the members are (this statement will force her to be nice and receptive to you). While registering, excite the Pastor by use of clever words with obviously hidden praise (direct praise may be taken as crafty and you may get someone appointed to establish your motives).
Step four is being a generous and happy giver. This is not the same as the meaning in the Good Book. You need to get praise from men and be used as a good example by the man of god. Whether he says it or not, it does not matter. He just have to think of you as a good example or a reference to others. Now after planting 310 seeds religiously on a weekly basis and asking the pastor to pray for you, your time for harvest is near. Keep a keen look on the pastor and ensure that you have his card figured out.

 that you have been praying and fasting for a bride and every time you have been seeing your kihiki_understanding in these vision

Havest time is our step 5. Let the pastor know in a manner that appears to be a secrete that you have been praying and fasting for a bride and every time you have been seeing your kihiki_understanding in these visions. Tell him that you are confused and you will need him to pray with you so that you don’t stray or misunderstand the vision. It will only be a matter of time and your pastor will start to tell you how he has seen visions that show him that your kihiki_understanding is the woman for you. As a good pastor,  he will introduce this idea of him seeing visions to her and that will be a golden ticket to the promised land.
Take your kihiki_understanding and start a new life. Don’t forget to Mpesa the master mind behind all this success…

Until then, I remain yours,

Dr. CCG, PHD, GHC, CCTV, CRE, LOL! MTV… THE ADVISOR

Curse of a Beautiful Woman

Her beauty is her major asset and yet her curse.She stares at the mirror with tears slowly filling her eyes. She wishes she could be dead but doesn’t have courage to do it. Something tells her it’s going to be alright. It fills her heart with hope, hope for a better day to come. This keeps her alive for one more day . All she has or achieved cannot be accredited to hard work. Even when she sweats, it’s a drip of honey. Tears keep her company in long showers. They are salty just like those of any other being. She lifts her head and faces directly at the shower. Perhaps it could drip salvation this one time. She lets it directly to her face, maybe the showers could wash away her memories. Bitter memories of guys who wanted to lay her to grant her success. She knew it was not the only way but she did it anyway. A fight against her horny seniors always got her losing almost everything. The guys who could help her had their sight narrowed to her pants. The women in charge dismissed her in the name of “her slutty” behavior. Their Jealousy ruin her life and so many others.

Two stripes appeared on the test Kit. She didn’t panic, no sign of the results could be read from her face. She remained calm and blank. “What are the results?” Inquired the medical personnel. “It reads positive.” She responded in a calm voice. She knew that she had the HIV virus and so was a large number of guys who slept with her to give what was rightly hers. It wasn’t going to kill her, that she was sure. Medical examinations had showed that she has closed cells and she only served as a carrier. The devils weapon of distraction. Her mother was dying and so was her father. Maybe the house girl had it too. Maybe the same courtesy was extended to the gardener or even the watchman. Maybe her two brothers and her sister were in the circle. Maybe, just maybe. If only her mother had listened! He was supposed to be her father. It hurts her too much and she hates men for that. Her mother warned her not to tell anyone on grounds of not tarnishing the family name. The same family was dead anyway. Maybe a few would remain if they kept their pants on.
He pins her hard on the bed as he concludes his intimate engagement. she doesn’t look at him. Her eyes are fixed on the mirror besides the bed. Plus one to her kills. One more she knows. She didn’t tell him to wear protection. It’s his life to save or to lose. His wife and concubines are welcome to join the circle. It doesn’t hunt her. He is paying for his sins with his blood. The remission of sin requires blood. This she learnt from her pastor. A man of god who is weak in flesh. He fell to the world just like other sinful men. She knows them by name and wrote them in a small book with a red hard cover. They were all victims of the flesh.
The waiter brings two more beers on her her table. She doesn’t recall asking for more and looks at the waiter curiously. He smiles and points at a guy seated at the far right corner who waves in acknowledgement. He is drinking a soda, neither does he look like a drinker. Maybe he gets ladies drunk and take them to bed to do his bidding. It doesn’t bother her, she has nothing to lose. He takes his glass and a half empty soda bottle and proceeds to join her. She looks at the bottle and occasionally looks side ways. He smiles and she takes very short intervals looking at him. Not that shy look from innocent ladies. Seems like she doesn’t want to remember his face so that it doesn’t hunt her when he is gone. “I am Rev. Geoffrey Mulyawita,” he breaks the silence while extending his hand to shake hers. She doesn’t say anything and leaves his hand hanging in the air. He draws back his hand and moves slightly to sit directly opposite to her. She lifts her head and notices the collar. Confusion fills her face and she seems lost. she doesn’t seem to find herself.
She had judged him wrongly. He wasn’t the type that wanted to take her to bed. This she was sure. She saw the concern on his face and something like a sword with two sharp edges cut through her heart. She started crying, not the tears of venges but those of remorse. he held her hand and stated that he was passing by and something that he cannot explain led him to take a soda in this particular pub. Now he understood why as she narrated her story. The two left the filthy pub that evening with the same goal in mind that is to give her a second chance in life.
As I tell this story, there is clearly one question in mind. Is it an everyday story to a listening ear or will it some how impact someone to make a change? I refuse to be a part of a cartel that ruins ones dreams for personal gains. I rest my case.

Woman by Means

There are two types of women in the universe. There are Pretty women and other women. These two groups of women wear make up for different reasons. A pretty woman wears it to enhance on her beauty. The other woman wears make up to confirm her gender to the public. To most women, beauty lies on the face outlook. This could be true to a handful number of men. Real beauty isn’t what a man sees with his eyes but feels with his body.

Men will claim they know what they want and deny it the next second with their actions. Every guy wants a lady about 5ft 6 inches tall, weighing 56 or less kg, a perfectly shaped face with well positioned ears, nose and eyes. Hips between Vera and Huda will be in order. Her eye lashes should be firmly erect and separated by thin margins. Ribbon red lips with pink chicks for him to adore. Her hands should be tender with thin moderately long fingers. Long, well polished, nails are a bonus so desired. She should be very good in bed, cook tasty food and ready to take good care of a man. That’s all a man seeks from a woman, very little. Fancy that if you can.

That kind of woman can only be found in a very closely articulated animation. In real life, you can only settle for less than your dreams. That is crap. No man dreams of a woman he wants to get married to. He only hopes that’s she will be worth the shit he is getting into. You know, the moods, nagging, watching her age when you are getting better with age, public opinion and so on. He only hopes that her thighs are warm and her lips wet. He dreams of strong nipples and perfect mourns of his name.

A man is naturally polygamous. His mind allows him to be that. He wants a woman he can bang, a woman he can show up with in the public and one that he can marry. His only wish is that these three women never meet. A man praying for a wife should be very careful not to mention his adulterous desires to the creator. If you can, don’t pray at all.

The reason why you are having trouble in your marriage is because you married the woman that you should be banging or showing up with in public. That is the beautiful woman. The other woman is the one you ought to have married. That is the woman who forgot about herself, and decided to raise a family for you. When the beautiful woman is busy on the mirror rectifying her imperfections and cursing the creator, she is in the kitchen brewing a cup of tea. She is the prettiest woman and needs no approval from the universe but you. The beautiful woman is busy confirming her gender. This woman’s beauty doesn’t last a nigh but the other woman is confident for beauty doesn’t fade. It’s from within and her mission is to make you the man you are destined to be. She is the pretty woman.

The Darker Shade in a Woman

One man alleged that the way to a woman’s heart is through his wallet. He later learnt that his deductions were not wrong but mistaken. The wallet was simply a way into her legs. Further research on how to please a woman were conducted. It came to pass that the answer varied from one woman to another. The reason being that there was never a woman but women. Things that women find fascinating vary from one to another. There was not a specific way on how to please a woman. I found this deductions so incompetent and decided to offer my services in solving this puzzle. After working tirelessly, it appeared to me that there only existed two ways on how to please a woman. My observations are as below;

A woman knows love by the scent, sound, touch and in any other aspect of love there is. She smells it and feels its presence from afar. Her heart beats faster and forever when she sees it. This explains why women were the vast majority of Jesus followers. He was pure love and they were drown to him by it. When Jesus fed 5000men with fish and bread, the number could approximately be over 25,000 souls. Just a little lecture on why the good book mentions men; is because they were hard to convince and please. You could have one in a group of seven. In Paul’s letter to the Corinthians, the Good Book instructs man to love his wife and wife to submit to her husband. Nothing more or less. Love is what a woman seeks from man. Submission is what a woman is expected of, by her husband.

If you are trying to please a woman of the past Era, then you have your answer above. The modern woman is different and love doesn’t concern her. If you win $118m in a lottery, you may as well get the woman of your dreams in the next minute. She was right there waiting for you to win millions of dollars. Fascinating! Isn’t it? These two things come in handy. The likely question that you may be asking is, “what went wrong?” Parents failed doing their job which is parenting. In the old era, a girl was taught to adore marriage. That was her highest goal. To get married and keep her husband home was all she was taught to do. She learnt how to cook good food, submit and take good care of her husband and her family. Her husband was the first man to take her to bed after marriage and the aunties taught her how to excite him.

The modern woman is worried about economic crunch, fashion, sports, parties and most importantly financial stability. That is not the problem. The fact that there is only herself in the picture is the problem. No family, no friend, no community, just her. When she started thinking about herself, everything changed. She became curious and lost her values. She is looking for a man who is driving a heavy engine with enough money for her to burn. The tall, dark and handsome phrase was reconstructed by money. The Ugliest, old, short, plumb stinking guy with millions of dollars is surely tall, dark and handsome.

She sucks d**k for money and is not intimidated by reality. If you are looking to please such a woman, please go to hell. The fact is; you can only please a woman who has morals and is not money driven. A woman who desires family and is willing to sacrifice her desires for a better marriage is worth having. As I had stated earlier, there is only two ways on how to please a woman. That is good news. The bad news is that; no one knows these two ways.” Sorry to disappoint you. Honestly I don’t care if you thought that I had the answer. Read between the lines and you will have your retort.

My Partner in Crime of Love

She smiled and pushed me away. “That was awesome,” she remarked. We were breathing hard and trying to catch our breath. I was still having a hard phenomenal and nothing could calm me down. I was feeling like a million dollars and wanted more. I had a statement to make, and its lines flowed right inside my veins. She had her right, warm thigh over me and her right hand caressing my chest hair (which I am so proud of). I kissed her fore head as she listened to my heart beat. “I never, in my wildest thoughts, imagine this would ever happen.” My heart skipped two beats and it all came back to me.

Promise that you will always be mine. Tell me that you will love no other but me. She holds my hand so tight. My heart races rapidly as she continues. I will be the woman that you want. My mission in life is to make you the brightest star of them all. Her words I understood not. I was scared, not to ruin the moment. My tongue was tied. Could have said a thousand words but none come from my lips. I took a deep breath and tried to relax. “I love you too” was all I managed to say. She was thirteen and I, fourteen. I hugged her so tight and let her go where she belonged. In her father’s house she ran. Looked back and waved goodbye. We would meet at school the next morning.

Her name was Fiona. She was the love of my life and the only girl I found interesting enough to hang-out with. The other girls were either too girlish or I naturally disliked them. She was my friend, my girl-friend. We played and ate ice-cream together. Could do her a couple of favors and she did me some as well. I was at home with the woman I loved. One crazy evening she tricked me to close my eyes and placed her lips on mine. It didn’t feel good. I later learned that it was a kiss. If she only mentioned it, could have taught her how it’s done on TV. We had a Great-Wall TV back at home and we (My brother, sister and I) sneaked to watch “The Bold and The Beautiful” when our parents were asleep. My dad could complain of the battery draining so fast and the TV over heating in the night.

I was always awake for a few minutes before I fell asleep. I could picture Fiona in my thoughts playing with me and having the time of our lives. What else could we do? We were lovers and we had to play and share. We didn’t care if our friends liked it or not. It concerned us less or not at all. My mom knew that I liked Fiona and so did her mom. They did nothing about it. That was back then, we were kids and we knew not how to do stuff. They were happy for us, it seemed like it. I recall when my mother occasionally asked me to go and play with Fiona because she had some place to go.

All was well until she learned new things. Fiona learnt the kind of stuff that I disliked with all my small heart. One evening her mother was leaving for the market and asked her to come and play with me. It was a coincidence that my mom was away. She came to me with intentions, really bad intentions. Fiona wanted to have sex. It all happened so fast that I can’t recall it all. We did it with clothes on. As far as we were concerned, we were no longer virgins. I couldn’t look at her straight into the eyes or find courage to get close to her. That was the revelation of our little affair.

We met in a banking hall twelve years later; she was standing right in front of me in the queue. I was staring right at her ass and wishing I could have a bite. She looked back at me and smiled. “Hi. Sorry if I stared.” I was quick to apologize. She looked right into me and called me by the name. It was her, my darling Fiona, the beautiful little Fiona grown into the prettiest woman I ever seen. We walked out of the bank a few minutes later holding hands. Our little crime was forever.

A Lie for a Better Relationship

They say that nothing good lasts forever. Unfortunately, no reason is given to this demoralizing fact. You are in a ditch Jack, climb the hell up! That seems to be the attitude. Amazing things or those that thrill our anxiety are either happening for the first time or hidden in something different. Love at first sight, sex in the shower, one night stand, peeing in the swimming pool, smoking Mariwana and so on are not exactly what they seem to be.

Humans find excitement in mysteries, fear and unpredictability. Trying something new is exciting because we have a vivid picture of the outcome. After doing something new, we somehow develop an urge of doing it over and over. The sad news is that, even after our brain has forgotten finding pleasure, we still think it’s enjoyable. This leads to addictions and loss of self control.

My solution to boredom and monotony especially in the bedroom would be to brainwash couples. This makes them think that they are doing something new with a different person each day. Not only would it strengthen families but also form a reputable community based on the empathy we show to strangers. Brainwashing individuals would rather be more taxing to the economy and thus we rule that out. What could bring the thrill and excitement back from what it has come to be? What can make us recall that feeling that we used to love?

I recommend a lie and a little unpredictability. These two things will magic up your broken home from dust to gold. Getting your partner excited and wondering what your next move might be is the trick. Have you ever wondered why the relationship between your man and soccer is forever? It’s because he doesn’t have powers to control the outcome of the match. All he does is hope that things are going to go by his side. He knows the rules of the game perfectly, but there is this blond making wrong decision that may rob his team of victory. The most interesting part is that there is nothing he can do about it. Being helpless and hoping that someone else promising to save you will comply is irresistible.
Doing something differently keeps the excitement. Learning how to do the same thing differently is what is difficult. Fear motivates a man. The woman’s work is to keep the man guessing. While doing this, it is important to know what is key in a good relationship.