MAN OF THE PEOPLE

I don’t know where you heard  this word but its not what you are thinking. Its becoming extremely hard for me and other good looking men of my standings to belong to one woman. Maybe it was easy for Adam for lack of options but Nairobi is just a part of hell. I resigned from Team Mafisi (Much respect) and thought that it marked the end of it all, little did i know that  it was but the beginning. I am writing this piece a very troubled and confused fella. A man trapped between this forbidden favorite desert and the main course in a situation where you can’t eat both. A quagmire of beautiful and wasteful women and a rock of a good wife. As a man raised from the states of Kwagamire, there is no question of what i am supposed to do but due to my Christian grounds, i am considering to do the  otherwise.

You see i have a number of Fisetts who have refused to approve of my retirement or rather quitting. One stated that she will not rest until she can attest to my wrath of fisism.

I know what is going through your mind as you read this confusing article. I guarantee that you will be a very disappointed person after you are done reading it. The recent past days have been a nightmare. I have been a loyal dog sworn to guard a delicious, mouth watering piece of bone. According to the rules, a lick is a bleach to the new rules that i have been sworn to protect. Pray for me for i am hastening in losing my cool. I have to with stand all these could have been prey who mock my newly found lifestyle. Recently i was put at crossroads when Joy stated that my colleague Walyahula was a man of action. The ‘kusema na kutenda’ things. As if that was not enough, she insulted my ego and called me a toothless dog that was only interested in sleeping and wagging my tail at a distance.

They are less deserving of a masterpiece like me. I keep telling myself as i dress up in front of this huge mirror in my dressing room.

If i am going to fall and be a Fisi, then it has to be for the most beautiful woman whose beauty and level of sexiness could seduce Museveni and Mugabe to quite presidency and quietly accept trial at the Hague.

I am thinking of Beyonce, Rihanna,  Alicia keys, Nikki bella all in one body with a dark skin tone. My thoughts tell me of my strength but deep inside i can testify of my weak flesh. I need the virgins to fast that my libido be controllable. I am considering a spoonful of paraffin in my food to help tame this man. I am seated in a matatu heading to work and i am starting to think that i boarded a wrong one. Am seated next to this woman who can’t read my no nonsense face and stop the drama. She has been wetting those hot, kissable lips and loudly chewing this seemingly extremely delicious chewing gum. She has her cleavage out and i could see right though her big boobs almost showing her nipples. I could feel her warm thighs touching mine as she is unrelentingly adjusting her sitting posture. I take a hard, deep swallow of my own Saliva and i can’t believe am fighting it ( the devil is a liar). I decide to taste the waters and move closely in a manner suggesting that am heading for the window. she leans backwards and i extend my both hands to open the window where i intentionally touch her big boobs. I decide not to open it and she seems to know what am doing.  She smiles and i smile back in a sheepish manner. ‘Nice boobs’ i decide to cast the first stone. ‘Thanks’ is a reply i get and the rest is history.

It 7:30pm and I’m holding my phone to make this one killer phone call for a happy ending. We have been flirting on text the entire day and she has been sending very suggestive multimedia that gives me a million ideas. “The breasts of a strange woman are warm and nipples soft on your lips. Her kiss can get you to will the earth to her and her arms will touch your soul. Her voice will tell you to kill yourself in the sexiest tone and you will smile and think its a good idea. She will lead you into destructive paths and you will helplessly be laid to waste.

” I remember all these words from my grandfather but i couldn’t heed the warning to keep away from this strange woman. My thoughts were fixed to her goodies and the stunts i was going to pull on her.

I had purchased a 300ml can of Redbull for extra energy in case i was going to need it. I am having a hard time letting this go. My heart is saying NO! but my body is saying YES!. I want to do it and I dial her number. With no objections i hit on the call icon and as i wait for the call to be forward, some foolish thief on a motorcycle grabs my phone and disappears in streets of Nairobi.Things were hitting up the Nduthi guy decided he will be sent by the devil, nkt!!

I am cursing the grounds and hating on everyone for no reason. I have been robbed and nothing can ever pay me back. If you ask me; it was going to be the night of my life and the devil sent his angels to steal it from me. So i decided to go looking for her on all social media and until i get what is rightfully mine, i will not rest. Some reality hit me and i discovered that i didn’t even know her name. I was darling her all way into the conversation. I got home still upset about the whole incident. Am watching family TV and there is this guy who is testifying and saying that when things worked against him, God was working through them to save him. This kicks mu butt back to my senses and am thinking how lucky I could have been. A million things could have gone wrong for me with this strange woman but someone was working for my well being.

Till then, I remain yours, Truly,

PHD, CCG, CCV, STP, GHC, ECCGH, Former Chairman of Team Fisi

Dr. Musoosi

Kihiki_Understanding

The kind of marriages we have here rarely start with “will you marry me?”

In the state of Kwagamaya, where real men are born and bred, we rarely experienced weddings. The past few years shocked everyone as we managed to have two weddings in four years. This went down in history books for the most weddings held in the Kwagamaya church in a decade. The kind of marriages we have here rarely start with “will you marry me?” The real men of Kwagamaya have mixed opinion on those spiritual girls. We have a belief that when women are done with men, they turn to the gods. We do not propose to our women for they propose marriage to us in different ways. Some of the common phases are as follows;

• Babe, I missed my period
• Babe am kinda pregnant
• Babe I think I am pregnant
• Nimeambiwa nirudi pahali nili lala (I was told to go back where I slept last night)
• Baridi nayo
• Nakam kuwatch soap yangu inaanzanga 9:50pm (Am coming to watch my favourite Soap opera that shows on Tv from 9:50pm)

These are like magical words that initiate a right of passage from being single to married. The real men from Kwagamaya are either afraid of the spiritual sisters or don’t know how to get into these girls agenda.

You might not be from Kwagamaya but truth be told; when you are done with team Mafisi, you want to settle with a Virgin Kihiki_Understanding  (Curses; you will marry a reformed hooker struggling to keep her Tertiary virginity. Amen). Now how do you get a nice spiritual sister to commit to you? Some guys will wait for five years to get to the promised land. These fellas will go on a terrible dry spell till they start thinking that being gay is a good idea or go back in their welcoming chips funga. Here is a secrete, you do not have to wait for that long. Now listen carefully. I am sure that you will find this manual meant for the Real men of Kwagamaya handy.

 These fellas will go on a terrible dry spell till they start thinking that being gay is a good idea or go back in their welcoming chips funga

Step one is to identify their greatest fear. Which is not to disappoint the gods, but the Pastor. These girls are normally so close to their Pastors depending on the respective positions that they hold in the ministry. The spiritual girls will always seek approval from their pastor; so as a holder of a Phd in fisism, you will want to use him to your advantage. If are lucky, the man of god in that church will be Dr. Kanyare (AKA Kanyosh). This project will take approximately three months. So we have three to twelve months to get this kihiki_understanding which is relatively quick compared to to Five years of patience and dry spells. This period of waiting shall be determined by how quickly you get to the man of god.

Step two is to attend a sermon and sit at the front row. When visitors are asked to introduce themselves, carry your balls and stand up. Greet everyone in the gathering (make sure you are standing where you can be seen by all those who care to look). After an introduction, Quote a powerful proverb and let the gathering clap as you retire to sit down. Whether your kihiki_understanding was looking or not, she surely saw it all. Keep a smile during the sermon and actively participate in clapping and any other thing that they will get you to do.
Step Three is simple. After the sermon, hang around the pastors office and wait for your kihiki_understanding. When you see her, signal to her in a polite way and she will definitely come to you. Make sure you have a nice breath as we are not responsible for a repulsive answer due to bad mouth smell or body odour. Use Nivea for men deodorant and perfume to keep you smelling fresh and Colgate to keep your mouth from bad breath. Chewing gum will  come in handy to keep your breath fresh ( will send the unilever guys an invoice for that advert). Now extended your hand for a hand shake and explain to her that you are interested in registering as a church member. Let her know that you are very excited on how lively the church is and how friendly the members are (this statement will force her to be nice and receptive to you). While registering, excite the Pastor by use of clever words with obviously hidden praise (direct praise may be taken as crafty and you may get someone appointed to establish your motives).
Step four is being a generous and happy giver. This is not the same as the meaning in the Good Book. You need to get praise from men and be used as a good example by the man of god. Whether he says it or not, it does not matter. He just have to think of you as a good example or a reference to others. Now after planting 310 seeds religiously on a weekly basis and asking the pastor to pray for you, your time for harvest is near. Keep a keen look on the pastor and ensure that you have his card figured out.

 that you have been praying and fasting for a bride and every time you have been seeing your kihiki_understanding in these vision

Havest time is our step 5. Let the pastor know in a manner that appears to be a secrete that you have been praying and fasting for a bride and every time you have been seeing your kihiki_understanding in these visions. Tell him that you are confused and you will need him to pray with you so that you don’t stray or misunderstand the vision. It will only be a matter of time and your pastor will start to tell you how he has seen visions that show him that your kihiki_understanding is the woman for you. As a good pastor,  he will introduce this idea of him seeing visions to her and that will be a golden ticket to the promised land.
Take your kihiki_understanding and start a new life. Don’t forget to Mpesa the master mind behind all this success…

Until then, I remain yours,

Dr. CCG, PHD, GHC, CCTV, CRE, LOL! MTV… THE ADVISOR

Reason why I Love You

Why do you love me? How much do you love me? These will seem like two simple questions until they are directed to you by someone that you are trying to impress. Sounds like why should we hire you?, in a job interview. The answer has to impress the interviewer. This determines whether you get hired or not. Same scenario applies when your partner in the crime of love inquires this of you. Unlike in a job interview where your response need to be professional, here it should sound emotional. Am not asking you to fake emotions when responding to this answer, all am saying is you take time to think as to why you love your partner. This way, your answer, when asked, will definitely appear genuine with acceptable emotional levels. This is unlike an interview where your response should appear true and professional.

Men dodge this question each time they are asked. The dodging of the question might appear romantic to your partner but you cannot fool her every time. If no one has asked you why you love him/her then it’s just a matter of time so stop thinking you escaped it. Humans (Particularly the female) are emotional beings. You will discover that most of the things we do are emotionally connected as opposed to reason. Therefore, it is our sole duty to satisfy the emotional needs of those that we care about. Perhaps the reason as to why men lie. “Why do you love me?” hits like a stray bullet right through the heart when least expected. You compose yourself, slowly turn, look at her straight into the eyes, hold her hands tight and tell a lie.

A lie that is so sweet. One that thrills her body and makes her knees shiver. “I cannot find words in the English dictionary that can clearly explain why I love you. I love you for who you are, the whole of you is a perfectly an adorable scenery for me. I love you for you.” Sounds adorably beautiful. A magnificent line that could be said before taking to your knees to propose but not satisfying. While in a break of writing this article, I got into a lift with my darling and nearly got myself a divorce. We were only the two of us in a lift when I held her by the waist closer to me and asked her the, would be the most beautiful question (if well backed with details). “Do you know how much I love you?” To my surprise, she asks how much and I had to joke myself out of the getting serious situation. I hadn’t actually thought it through. That’s 1 for me.

“My dear, I felt so lonely when you went to visit your parents for the weekend. Those two days were like eternity in two complete phases. This got me thinking as to why I love you this much.” If she was listening, then she will inquire what your findings were and that’s when you let her know what she really means to you. It is wrong to cram from the same booklet when expressing yourself. This is simply because we live a different script. Your response should match the relationship that you have been having with your partner. It’s not all soap Opera for everyone. Even in difficult situations, there is always room for self expression and fixing the holes.

Ladies would love to hear what you truly feel. Knowing that she is your found rib and how she offers great company when you are together. Tell her how you appreciate her cooking and she will be forever feeding you. Let her feel appreciated and enjoy the little heaven you made in your home. But for now, let’s get thinking and get acceptably satisfactory answers to these questions
By Dr. Musoosi

Woman by Means

There are two types of women in the universe. There are Pretty women and other women. These two groups of women wear make up for different reasons. A pretty woman wears it to enhance on her beauty. The other woman wears make up to confirm her gender to the public. To most women, beauty lies on the face outlook. This could be true to a handful number of men. Real beauty isn’t what a man sees with his eyes but feels with his body.

Men will claim they know what they want and deny it the next second with their actions. Every guy wants a lady about 5ft 6 inches tall, weighing 56 or less kg, a perfectly shaped face with well positioned ears, nose and eyes. Hips between Vera and Huda will be in order. Her eye lashes should be firmly erect and separated by thin margins. Ribbon red lips with pink chicks for him to adore. Her hands should be tender with thin moderately long fingers. Long, well polished, nails are a bonus so desired. She should be very good in bed, cook tasty food and ready to take good care of a man. That’s all a man seeks from a woman, very little. Fancy that if you can.

That kind of woman can only be found in a very closely articulated animation. In real life, you can only settle for less than your dreams. That is crap. No man dreams of a woman he wants to get married to. He only hopes that’s she will be worth the shit he is getting into. You know, the moods, nagging, watching her age when you are getting better with age, public opinion and so on. He only hopes that her thighs are warm and her lips wet. He dreams of strong nipples and perfect mourns of his name.

A man is naturally polygamous. His mind allows him to be that. He wants a woman he can bang, a woman he can show up with in the public and one that he can marry. His only wish is that these three women never meet. A man praying for a wife should be very careful not to mention his adulterous desires to the creator. If you can, don’t pray at all.

The reason why you are having trouble in your marriage is because you married the woman that you should be banging or showing up with in public. That is the beautiful woman. The other woman is the one you ought to have married. That is the woman who forgot about herself, and decided to raise a family for you. When the beautiful woman is busy on the mirror rectifying her imperfections and cursing the creator, she is in the kitchen brewing a cup of tea. She is the prettiest woman and needs no approval from the universe but you. The beautiful woman is busy confirming her gender. This woman’s beauty doesn’t last a nigh but the other woman is confident for beauty doesn’t fade. It’s from within and her mission is to make you the man you are destined to be. She is the pretty woman.

Uncle for Hire III

I wonder what is good about weddings! To me it has never been a joy. I live to figure things out. I solve equations that will never put food on my table but will surely cheat ignorance of its territory. I am like a light shinning so bright on a raised platform to lighten the dark beliefs in humanity. Thank you for the applause. That was so obvious of you. Those of low intelligence will think that I am bragging! I forgive them because I do not carry burdens for people whose medulla oblongata cannot match mine. Once again, thank you for taking your useless time to read this nonsense. Now back to real business.
Now Randy, Patricia and I lived like a family. This time, I had something good to think about when it comes to children. Apart from the ice creams and chocolates, Randy and I always went to parks, children festivals organized by Churchill and many other parties meant for children. I had become a favorite uncle who helped raise an intelligent boy and provide a father figure for him to look up to. Every day was like Christmas that came without Santa.

When I was young, I was introduced to this pimp called Santa. The whole idea was that he loved kids and could bring gifts on Christmas. The idea sounded good and I loved Santa with all my small heart until my 6th Christmas. This particular year I wanted a bicycle and wrote Santa very many letters requesting for one. On 24th December, I stayed awake the whole night waiting for my new bike that I would use to get Ruth to like me by giving her a ride on it. The clown didn’t turn up and I was so disappointed. I wrote other follow up letters to Santa and never did I receive any reply. One evening I was so frustrated about Santa and I addressed a letter to everyone. It read like this; If anyone sees Santa, tell the damn clown to shave his beards, hit the gym and get himself a f**king career. Now you get the picture of how disciplined and innocent I was as a kid. I later learnt that my parents would get my letters to Santa and buy me the gift I had requested for on Christmas to keep the idea of Santa real in my imaginations. By asking for a bike, I had gone way beyond their budget and they could not spend that kind of money in the name of Santa.
There is this one day that I will always picture before I close my eyes for the last time in this miserable world. That is the first time when I placed my lips on Patricia’s. Yes! You heard me right Thomas! I kissed the damn woman and there is completely nothing you can do about it. Words can never describe how I felt but I will try. It is like finding a wall after holding urine for a long time nearly busting your bladder, peeing in a swimming pool or a hot bath tab and offloading a big load from your head, all in one. She looked at my yes and said that she knew I would come along. We are now planning visiting her parents for introduction so that I get a driving license for this powerful engine. I am thinking about having like 8 children with this woman to be sure that she is mine.
I remain yours, Truly, The Mighty Hyena (Tamed).

The Rotten Democracy

Being arrested by a beautiful police woman, who has a well built body with twinkling bright eyes and killer lips for breaking traffic rules does not get you in her bedroom or somewhere in her arms. You will be tried in the same court of law and sentenced to the same jail term just as another offending driver who was arrested by an ugly pot-belly traffic policeman. Committing suicide in a warm bath tab by cutting your wrist vain may sound romantic and worth of an artistic interest but does not change the fact that its suicide. A corpse is collected from the bath tab and not an angel.

It’s all a lie and nothing is real. It’s like winning a beauty contest by possessing inner beauty. The world is rotten and is covered in the blanket of tricks. The blanket stinks from the rotten flesh whose smell is the venom that kills those underneath it. There is nothing to smile about. Call it lose, lose situation. In this world we find terms like “secondary virginity, friends with benefits, open relationships and all the crap there is. We desire healthy life but take poison for breakfast. Destruction is what we were bred to do in every way we know how.

In the name of freedom and liberty we destroy what differentiates us from the other animals, “Consciousness”. We dress up and walk naked and still claim our right to privacy. We defy the very rules that are supposed to protect us. It is my right, you may say. What if the very right that you so much desire is used to mastermind your doom? The Roman rule was engineered to protect the innocent. By the same rule, the Son of Man was condemned to die on the cross. Of what good is it if it does not bring healing to my soul?

It is not recommended when it feels good for a while, “The Human Rights” (THR). The so called saviors of the world! What are they really saving the world from? This is a question strange to many. The fact is that they are saving the world from the truth. I have no problem when leaders are being tried for torture and inhuman activities. I have a problem when attempts to keep our morals are being distracted. Darkness in all ways shall remain as darkness. Even in its faintest form, it is still darkness. THR protect you from yourself. From the likeness of God that was created in you. Just like a lion that keeps a calf to grow fatter before slaughter, so are your rights. I have a feeling that Hell is rated 18. At this age, you are given a pass called an Identity Card that allows you to sin your way to condemnation to eternal fire.

Let us give it a thought before we satisfy our anxiety. If it is not good for the soul, it is not good for the Lord’s temple, and definitely not good for you. Think 598X before you decide to take that step.

Sentenced to Friendship

See his feet trembling, not for fear, but for position in your heart
He mourns inside when he hugs you goodbye
His hands hold tight never willing to let go of yours
He closes his eyes but the dark shades hold your face

You call him a friend but your heart knows a lover

He looks deep into your eyes and loses to imagination
Your lips seem to whisper his name each time he moves
You turn your back and alone in the world he remains
He watches you leave to another mans arms and he is grieved

You call him a friend but your heart knows a lover

I wish and wish and keep wishing
If wishes were horses  ????…
From mine wish I am making a horse
Pure thoughts of love and passion
To sing you a lullaby and watch you fall asleep
Dreams ….. I dreams
I dream when I am awake and close my eyes to reality
I want to tell my story to the world
I want the whole world to know and call me a dreamer

You call me a friend but your heart knows a lover

You laugh at all his jokes and call him funny
You smile and tell him he is crazy
Yes he is crazy… He is crazy for you
You call him a friend and deny your love for him
You hide behind the curtains of friendship
And silently watch the doors of happiness close

You call him a friend but your heart knows a lover

I now tell my heart through a pen
A story of the love that was denied form me
You read and get emotional over my tale
Why can’t you realize it was all written after you?
Open the door to that one person who treats you as special
That tomorrow they don’t tell my story
But rejoice for my tears opened their doors to happiness with you

By Musoosi